Professor Layton - 100 Things
by GeorgieSusoWasSuarez
Summary: After getting bored at Scotland Yard, the professor, Luke, Emmy, Clive and Flora decide to edit some of the files they have on the people they met on their adventures. And by some, I mean all of the files they have. RANDOMNESS AND OOC-NESS.
1. Anton Herzen

Hiya! I did something like this for Animal Crossing and it was really quite successful so I'm doing on for Professor Layton as well. If I don't know various characters, I will miss them out. Also, it's a bit silly and random but that's all part of the fun!

*Everyone is VERY ooc*

"Professa! I'm bored!" Luke whined.

"Me too." Frowned Flora.

"I'm quite content, actu-" Layton started.

"I TOTALLY NEED TO KICK SOMEONE!" Emmy suddenly shouted.

"OMG ME TOO!" Clive shouted back.

"Stop! Stop! There will be no kicking anyone on my watch! Chelmey will soon be here to talk with us about Don Paolo so everyone stay calm." Layton shouted.

"I've heard they've got a fancy computer here. Lets have a look." Emmy suggested.

They all made their way to the computer.

"Look!" Flora exclaimed. "All the files of people we've met on our adventures."

"Ooh! Oh…this is a bit dull." Clive scowled at the screen.

"Let's add some things!" Emmy grinned, snatching the mouse away from him.

"HEY! We can't do that!" The professor exclaimed.

"Let's do it alphabetically! That way no one misses out!" Flora smiled.

"That means …Anton is first!" Luke exclaimed.

"Fine. I'll join in this little game but I'm not happy!"

"Why do you have that grin on your face then?"

1). He looks like a girl.

"That's not very gentlemanly, professa!"

"It's true however."

2). He likes the colour purple.

"Well, he wears purple clothes and his wife had purple hair."

3). He wants to dye himself purple.

4). He wants to dye a cow purple.

5). He wants to dye a cow purple and call it Vincent.

6). He wants to give Vincent a gun and have him destroy London.

"Just like someone we know."

All eyes were cast to Clive.

"Erm…at least I didn't dye a cow purple!"

"Or did you?"

7). Anton likes to pretend he's a vampire and make everyone wee in fear.

8). He tried to eat Postman Pat.

"No. His name has Parcelle, my boy."

"Yes but he obviously likes the taste of postmen or he would steal someone else. Like Flora."

"HEY!"

"Sorry! So it's possible he ate Postman Pat."

"And his black and cat."

9). He has a very nice house.

10). He went on a crazy sword attack (probably induced by drugs) and tried to kill everyone thus destroying his very nice house.

11). He breathed in too much gas and started tripping.

12). His name is Anton Herzen.

Everyone turned to Clive.

"What? I never met him."

"You probably did when you were in the crazy house. After all, you tried destroy London whilst he thought he was a vampire and started hallucinating."

13). If he met Clive, Anton'd be rather nervous.

14). He'd probably hide Katia seeing as loads of people pair him with her.

"I don't get that. After all, we weren't even in the same game. And I don't like purple."

15). He pays Nigel below the minimum wage.

"I'm confused. Was Nigel real or was he just a hallucination too?"

"I don't know. I started questioning my own existence after that particular episode."

16). He would flinch if Flora was about to kick him.

17). He has an ugly midget for a brother.

18). His brother also changed his last name to a species of whale.

19). He sends letters via cursed death boxes.

"Probably because he ate all the postmen so they can't deliver it for him."

20). He watches Daybreak everyday.

21). He would run away if Jimmy Savile was chasing him.

"Especially if he had Luke or Flora with him."

"Yes. Whilst he is tripping balls, a pretend vampire and a jealous husband, he is VERY responsible. And good with children."

22). He tried to get Sophia to go on Jeremy Kyle before she left.

"Why?"

"To find out whether she was cheating. Also, he had a suspicion that she nicked his favourite mug."

23). He has never been to Sweden.

24). He has never been to Mexico.

25). He has never been to Ouagadougou.

26). He has been to Blackpool.

"There should be a game set in Blackpool. It could be called 'Professor Layton and the Pub of Death'."

"No."

27). He has never seen a microwave before.

28). He loves Sophia.

29). He is very old.

"How old?"

"…150."

"That's old."

30). He's probably still in Folsense, sat by himself wondering where his town has gone.

31). Maybe he went to Dropstone to meet his son-in-law.

32). If he stole my hat, he would be killed.

"What?"

33). His head would be ripped from his neck and set fire to whilst tribe members danced around it.

"It's a good job he didn't steal your hat then."

34). Anton's mum was not in the family portrait.

35). This means she either died or she was shunned.

36). Anton didn't question the fact that he was 25 for sixty years.

"How do you know he was 25, Flora?"

"I don't. It was just a guess."

37). Because he's old, Anton likes watching Bargain Hunt.

38). He also watches Antiques Roadshow

39). He watches them with the professor.

"Emmy! You're making me sound old. I'm an archeologist, I can watch shows likes that."

40). When someone asks him what he wants for his tea, he always says 'What have you got in?'

41). He has never said 'Come at me bro'

"I have." Clive smiled. He was remembering his days in prison when all his fellow inmates were trembling at his gangster posture. Then they all scurried away and cried into their porridge.

42). Instead he says 'Advance, brethren!'

43). Or 'LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYTON!'

"Luke, you take that down at once."

"Ok, professa!" Luke lied.

44). Anton dislikes Edward Cullen.

"VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE! THEY JUST DON'T! THEY DON'T SPARKLE IN SUNLIGHT, THEY DIE! DIE! DIEEEEE!"

"Ok professor." Emmy frowned at him. "Have you not taken your pills today?"

45). Maybe if he sparkled, Sophia would not have been able to resist him and stayed in Folsense anyway.

46). Anton wears pointed shoes.

"Ha! Gay!" Clive laughed.

"Well, Clive." Flora started. "In the video 'Clive - Gay or European?' Not only are you Anton's gay lover, you also wear pointed shoes. And you are now."

"Wha-"

"Flora, my girl! You are so clever, I raised you well! You father would be proud if he wasn't dead and that!" Layton shouted, hugging her.

47). Anton has never taken ballet dancing classes.

48). If he did, I doubt he would wear the tutu.

49). If he did however, I doubt he it would be pink.

50). If it was, I don't Sophia would love him anymore.

51). Anton is a wild ombré.

"What?"

"It's foreign. It's also the thing I used to dip-dye my hair."

"Ah! Bootiful."

52). Anton randomly leaves his diary in random places.

53). He probably gets Nigel to drop them in random places everywhere.

54). He has never rode a horse.

55). If he has, I would be surprised.

"Why?"

"He just doesn't look like a horse kind of person."

"What type of person does he look like then?"

"A Clive type person."

"HEY! I'm not gay!"

56). Anton has never done Gangnam Style.

57). If he did, he would break his ankle.

58). Anton's eyes are not in proportion with his head.

"Professor, you can't really have that one. I mean look at your eyes. Where are they?"

Layton pulled his hat down over his face.

"Quiet, Clive."

59). His castle exploded.

60). Anton cried at Titanic.

"Luke, there isn't a person in the world who didn't cry at Titanic."

"I didn't." Clive frowned.

"That's because your soul is dark and empty. Go stand in the corner." Professor Layton commanded.

61). His voice sounds American even though he lives in England.

62). He looks quite American too.

63). Coincidence?

"Probably."

"What do you mean he looks American?"

"He looks to flashy and girly to be English. He's like a supermodel."

"I will be forever uncomfortable that comment was ever made."

64). Anton would make a good Bond-Girl

"I AM UNCOMFORTABLE!"

65). Anton needs a friend called Declan so we can call them Ant and Dec.

"See Luke? Flora never even met the man and she's giving out better facts than you!" Layton yelled.

"Shut the fuc-"

"HOW DARE YOU SWEAR! GO! STAND IN THE CORNER BECAUSE YOU'RE IN TIME-OUT! CLIVE YOU MAY REJOIN THE GROUP!"

"Yes! Haha!" He mocked Luke as he passed. He did a happy jump as he stood reunited with everyone else. "What's happening, peeps?"

66). Because he's posh, Anton probably had home tutoring with his fat whale of a brother.

"Professor!" Emmy exclaimed. "Maybe you should have a timeout too!"

"NEVER!"

67). Because he's SO posh, he probably talks about taxes and boring grown up things at dinner parties.

68). Because he's SO BLUMMING posh, when he's on a slide he shouts 'URINE!' instead of 'WEE!'

"Where would Anton find a slide?"

"Well," Clive frowned. "There's that slide in the post office where all the letters and parcels slide down. It could be that."

"Clive, what have you been doing at the post office?" Emmy frowned at him.

Clive just stayed quiet and did little twitchy eyes.

69). If a scouser spoke to Anton, Anton would not be able to understand him.

70). Anton has a pet purple cow called Vincent.

71). Well he did before he stopped inhaling all the gas of death.

72). No one knows how he survived all that time by drinking imaginary wine and eating imaginary food.

73). How did he not get any illnesses and pass away due to lack of medication?

"No one knows!"

74). So when he thought he was kidnapping people, he was just running around in an empty field yelling about how he's going to eat everyone.

"Did no one think to help him? After all, he was a lonely old man slowly going crazy from all the drugs-"

"Gas, Flora! Gas!"

"Sorry! Gas. And it never occurred to anyone to stop and say "Actually, instead of just watching this, lets take him inside and give him a cup of tea and a biscuit or something?" Some people are so cruel!"

"I know, Flora. That's why you're lucky to have me, your Professor Daddy, who will protect you and save you from these awful people."

"WAIT! They'd would have been hallucinating too so they would of been running away from the non-sparkly vampire that just started chasing them."

"Good point, Clive."

75). At one point, he must have seen purple elephants whilst playing the sitar so it must have occurred to him that he was under the influence of drugs.

"How would you know that, professor?"

"It's all in here! My I-Spy Book of Druggie Behaviour!"

"Fair enough." Flora smiled at him, relived that her adoptive father wasn't on drugs. That would be bad.

76). Anton cried when he found out that William and Kate were having a baby.

77). He was upset that he never got to share that with Sophia.

"Awwwww."

78). But now he's having quality time with his grand-daughter so the dark hole within him is now fulfilled with love.

Everyone sat on the floor in a flood of tears and tissues.

"L-Luke, mah boi," the professor sniffled. "That was b-b-beautiful. You may rejoin the group."

"Hell yeah!"

"YOU AWFUL CHILD GET BACK IN THE CORNER!" Layton shouted, all the tears disappearing and all the tissues explode into ash and fire.

79). Anton used to drive Nigel mad by leaving mugs everywhere.

80). In the end, Nigel stopped him from taking warm beverages upstairs.

81). At one point in his life, Anton was addicted to Zombie Farm.

"Why?"

"Because at one point, in everyone's life, they become addicted to Zombie Farm. Look, Clive's on it now."

"What? My flower zombies needed harvesting. They're called Rob and Henry."

82). Anton gets daily manicures.

83). And pedicures.

84). And facelifts.

85). Then he goes to the local imaginary salon to have his hair done.

86). Then he waxes his legs so they're spiffingly unhairy for the next day.

87). Then it grows back and he gets sad :(

88). So he eats chocolate and watches Dirty Dancing.

"That's not weird at all."

89). Anton wants Jack to draw him like one if his French girls.

90). Personally, I found the whole of Pandora's Box story more heart-breaking than Titanic.

91). I cried more too.

92). Same with the Lost Future story.

Everyone sat on the floor and cried again.

"The memories, …they're all returning." Luke sobbed from the corner.

"Everything was so sad!" The professor sobbed as he hugged Flora who was too much in a state to say anything.

"I miss my parents! I hope Bill Hawks falls over a balcony whilst trying to touch his toes." Clive cried as he blew his nose.

"I miss Loosha!" Emmy bawled.

"On with the list!" Everyone beamed at the same time.

93). Anton is not good at puzzles.

94). That's why he didn't give us any over dinner.

"I thought he was just being a rapscallion!"

95). Anton could probably play the cello.

96). Or the violin.

97). Or something to that extent.

"Let's just say musically gifted for now."

"Aye Aye, professor!"

98). If Anton tried to break dance, he'd break his leg.

99). Anton's favourite hiding place is his wardrobe.

100). Anton cries whenever Susan Boyle sings.

"I'm not surprised to be honest. I do exactly the same." Clive nodded. "Sometimes she doesn't even have to be singing. She just has to be _there_."

"I know! To pass time, I'll give you all a puzzle-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	2. Becky Surname

Wow, five reviews and its only the first chapter! Thanks so much, it means a lot. I am actually using the little character selector to get the characters alphabetically so you can use that to see who's next or when your favourite will be. It is Becky, the hotel girl from Lost Future. Please keep reviewing!

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Everyone sat back down in the waiting area. The professor was safely gagged, just in case of any more puzzle attempts and Emmy had made everyone some tea with the bags that the professor had hidden in his hat.

"Instant tea?" Emmy had tutted. "Most un-gentlemanly."

"Mmmmph mrph!" he had angrily replied.

Emmy nearly dropped the kettle in shock.

"Language, professor!" Clive gasped, smacking Layton's knuckles.

"What type of lifestyle do you want me growing up in?" Flora cried tearfully, slapping him across the face.

"You are a very hypocritical professor! Did you go to the University of Hypocritical?" Luke had yelled kicking him repeatedly in the shins.

After that, everyone sat down in silence, with the odd attempt to start conversation failing.

After a long minute of twiddling thumbs, trying to escape a gag and making unnecessary noises, Layton finally ripped off his gag using his feet.

"FINALLY IM FREE! LETS CAUSE MORE MISCHIEF AND GENERAL NAUGHTINESS!" He yelled.

"Yay!" Everyone cried and they ran to the computer yet again.

"Becky's turn!" Flora smiled sweetly. Yet, inside, she was revelling about doing Becky's list because Becky was competition for Luke. Flora hated Becky. Becky would die.

1). Becky is going to die soon under suspicious circumstances.

Everyone turned to Flora.

"Are you ok?" Clive asked.

"Much better now."

2). Becky has to pretend to be posh when her grandma is awake.

3). Luckily for Becky, her grandma is always asleep.

4). So she can be a smackhead emo if she wishes.

5). Her grandma will be too busy sleeping and dreaming about knitting she won't notice.

"That sounds like the life!" Emmy grinned. "I need to have kids and make them have kids with someone else so I can be a grandma ASAP! Then I can do that all day!"

Everyone turned to Layton.

"Forget it! I'm not having kids with her!"

"Wow, real rood of u, professr."

"Luke! What did I say about talking like that?"

"That…it's ok?"

"No! Go sit in the corner!"

"Fuc-"

"LUKE!"

"Dis shi-"

And with that, Layton gave him such in the rear, Like went flying off into the nearby car park.

6). SHE KNEW WE WERE IN THE FUTURE!

7). Or Clive's pretend future of madness anyway.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

"How do you know?!"

"Remember what she said!"

"Blah blah blah blah now you don't have to spend all your time travelling around the city."

"Because that thing was about time travelling. Haha I get it."

8). If Anton was a gangster, his name would be Antwon.

9). Yeah! Gangster grandpa!

10). Smoking weed erryday!

"Luke! We're not doing Anton anymore! YOU IGNORANT COW!" Layton yelled at him, spittle flying everywhere.

"Do you listen at all?" Emmy scolded.

"SHUN THE IGNORANT COW! SHUUUUUUUUUUN!" Clive screamed.

11). Becky is going to marry Edgar and live in a massive house and have babies all the time!

"Hell yeah she is!" Flora shouted, glad that Becky wasn't being paired with Luke.

12). Becky likes to paint her nails different colours.

13). Her favourites washing machine settings are…

14). Cold wash

15). Cold wash, extra spin

16). Gentle rinse

17). Delicate wash, no spin (good for woollens)

18). Just chuck it all in, turn it up as high as it will go and see what happens.

"Hm. Flora, Becky reminds me of you!"

"NO. I WON'T LET IT BE!"

And with that, Flora ran away.

19). In 1973, Becky was voted 'Future London's Best Dancer'

20). She beat Beacon.

21). Who cried.

"Awwwww."

"I wonder how Beacon's hat is doing."

22). It's doing fine.

"Oh good."

23). Becky has really big ears that stick out of her hair.

24). Becky once tickled a werewolf with a feather duster.

25). She also cleaned my whole fortress.

"Really? The whole fortress?"

"Give her a bit of Demestos and she'll clear up the toughest of stains."

26). She gave me a track for that toy car.

"Ah, yes. The one you ran me over with." The professor glared at him.

27). Becky smells like wee AND I AM NOTHING LIKE HER.

Flora had come back. Only she was wearing a bright red dress, massive red and black sunglasses and she had a huge afro.

"DISCO'S NOT DEAD! I WON'T LET IT BE!"

"You said that about Becky too."

Clive got an afro thrown at his face.

28). Flora is nothing like Becky.

29). Becky would never get an afro even if she was an emo smackhead.

30). Becky likes to make flan.

31). On Max's birthday, she gave him Birthday Flan instead of Birthday Cake.

32). Becky got flan in her face.

"Good." Flora scowled.

33). Becky likes to think of Max as her protégée.

34). That means she wants him to wear a dress and clean hotels forever.

35). Becky makes 121 cups of tea for her grandma every day.

36). She also does all her Christmas shopping online.

"Professor…" Luke whispered. "I need help."

"Well, that's not exactly news to me, my boy."

"No! Help as in advice."

"Ah! Are you stuck on puzzle 121 again? It's 42!"

"No it's about Becky. I love her."

When hearing this, Flora immediately scuttled into her afro like a crab and rolled over to the conversation to hear more details.

"Ah! I shall plan the wedding for June!"

Flora angrily bit the professor's foot.

"Ow!"

"But we can't invite Flora because she hates Becky and she's listening in." Luke continued.

Everyone turned and looked at the stealth-fro on the ground. Flora emerged, looking shifter than a panda that had been caught shop-lifting bamboo.

"There's my pen!" Flora suddenly exclaimed, holding up nothing. She went back into her stealth-fro and rolled away.

37). Luke loves Becky

38). Luke and Becky sitting in a tree. G!

"I'm in a tree!" Luke exclaimed happily.

Flora ran off to get her axe.

39). I think Flora has got too murderous and should have a time out before she starts cutting down random trees in the hope that Becky is sat in one.

The professor stroller over, picked up Flora by the hair and chucked her into the corner.

40). Becky likes to place underwear on her head and run around a full hotel humming the James Bond theme until she is caught.

41). Becky went to St Trinians

"What a coincidence! So did I!" Emmy gasped.

"Omg!" Clive squealed. "Me too!"

"But it was a girl school."

"Yeah so? I was Head Girl!"

42). Becky likes to sew

43). Becky has a pie in her pocket.

44). And she also has an eye in her socket.

45). WHEN SHE GOES BOM BOM BOM!

*Trumpet solo*

"Splendiferous!"

46). When Becky makes bread, it's always burnt.

47). Even when she hasn't put it in the oven yet.

48). She gets high off Christmas trees

49). She smokes their branches

50). And snorts their leaves.

51). Becky is the secret sixth member of Girls Aloud

"She actually sings every part if every song and the others take the credit."

"THOSE BITCHES!"

52). She's just a girl and she's on fire.

53). So bright she could burn your eyes

54). Better look the other way

"Luke. Stop putting song lyrics when you can't think of anything. It is getting rather vexing."

55). Her favourite footballer is Luis Súarez.

"No, professor. That's YOUR favourite footballer."

"Yes but she must love him too or she will be killed."

"Fair enough." Emmy replied.

"Didnt he get a yellow card in the last match?" Clive frowned.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

56). Becky reads ghost stories because she thinks that maybe she might be a ghost herself and is looking for evidence to support that theory.

57). She cries on roller coasters.

58). On Halloween, she dressed up as a devil and knocked on Clive's door and made him wee in fear.

"That's not very nice. I will have you know I bravely weed in fear."

59). When she's in her tree, she feels at one with nature.

60). Like she's a little squirrel.

"Becky sure is a strange one."

61). She is secretly a mermaid.

"SHE'S SECRETLY A MERMAID?!"

"Well not anymore, you just told the entire police station."

62). She likes to put traffic cones on her head, go fishing and pretends shes a garden gnome.

"Don't we all?"

"No."

Emmy slowly backed away in embarrassment.

63). She steals pencils from Argos.

64). She watches The Chase and answers all the questions.

65). Unfortunately, the answers she says aren't in the choice.

66). Becky stuffs her bra with hint coins because she is secretly flat-chested.

"Aha! Next time I'm stuck on a puzzle I shall stick my hand down there and steal some."

"Ew. Don't do that. We don't want you to get arrested again or they'll fire you from Gressenheller and that's the only source of income we get."

"What about my paper round?" Clive frowned angrily.

"Yes but you get mugged every time you get paid so we never see your money."

Clive slumped onto the floor and had a long think about what he was doing with his life. A long think that lasted two seconds. After that, he forgot he was sad and leapt up happily, an impish grin on his face.

67). Becky's last name is Stardust.

68). At our wedding, Becky and I shall be the waltz.

Luke immediately started dancing.-

"Move your arse, fattie!" Professor shouted as Luke stepped on his foot.

"YOU FAT BASTARD!" Flora also shouted as he stepped on her face.

"Well, I'm sorry I want to look good on my wedding. I shall try to look beautiful elsewhere."

"Yes make sure you do." Clive scowled.

69). Becky is Anton's neighbour on Zombie Farm.

70). She has the most beautiful farm.

71). It's beautiful like diamonds in the sky.

"What did I tell you about song lyrics? Get in the corner!"

"Aw…" Luke pouted. Flora slowly walked back over.

"Now Flora, are you going to stop trying to murder Becky?"

"Yes daddy!" Flora nodded.

"Good. You are the best daughter ever."

72). Becky loves McFly.

"I love McFly!" Professor Layton exclaimed.

"OMG ME TOO!" Clive gasped. They went off on a long gossip about McFly and how they were beautiful.

Flora and Emmy stood still, obviously bored.

"Are you quite finished?" Emmy yawned.

"No."

*Four hours later*

"NOW we are finished."

73). Edgar is going to fight Luke for Becky

74). I shall arrange Luke's funeral.

"Hey!"

"Well, Luke, someone has to do it! How about a closed casket which is then opened to reveal that you are not inside; instead they will turn on the ceiling fan and your lifeless body will swing around the room while the space jam theme song plays?"

"Yeah…I'm thinking no."

75). Becky owns a tardis.

76). She flies to the moon and back to make sure the hotel looks clean from up there so all the little moon aliens don't think they're dirty.

77). Becky has a pet Snaggletooth.

"What the hell is a Snaggletooth?"

"It's a fishy!" Clive smiled at Emmy.

"I'll show you." Luke showed her a convenient photo of a Snaggletooth.

"OMFG WTF IS THAT CREEPY THING?!" Emmy shrieked.

78). Becky's pet Snaggletooth is called Bert

"I DON'T CARE IT'S UGLY AND SHOULD DIEEE!"

79). Becky loves Bert!

"WELL SHE SHOULDN'T KILL IT WITH FIRE AND HOLY WATER!"

80). Becky has forgotten what her parents are called.

81). They could be called Florence and Simon

82). Or Enid and John

83). Or Mable and Mavis

"Mavis is a woman's name."

"I know. We have to be open to ALL possibilities in situations like these."

84). Becky spends her nights crying about her life.

85). Her bedtime is 8:00 but she goes to bed at 8:05

86). THUG LYFE

87). Becky has to watch all the old person shows with her grandma.

88). Like The Great British Bake Off, Cash in the Attic and Deal or No Deal.

"Fun times!"

89). She is going to be killed by an assassin next Tuesday.

90). Correction. She is going to be killed by TWO assassins next Tuesday.

Everyone turned to Clive who, for reasons unknown, had joined Flora in her evil, murderous deals.

91). Becky built the hotel with her own two hands.

92). Own five hands actually.

"What? She has … five hands?" Luke gasped.

"Why, yes. Yes she does." Clive nodded.

"PROFESSA! The wedding is OFF!"

"Woo and yay!" Everyone cheered. Then they noticed how despondent Luke looked.

"We're sad for you though." Layton told him, patting him on the back.

93). Becky is crying in a hole right now.

"Oh dear." Flora rolled her eyes.

94). She should marry Clive instead.

"HELL NO WOMAN!" Clive shouted, slapping Emmy round the face, who fell to the floor.

Meanwhile, another Clive stood at the window, knocking frantically.

"No stop! What are you doing? Stop kicking her! Nooooooo. She said sorry. SHE SAID SORRY! Stop!"

95). Becky gets bored and plays MASH in history.

96). That is very naughty of her because it means she isn't paying attention.

A vein popped on Layton's forehead.

97). Becky sang "Walking in the air"

"No she didn't. That was that guy off of Daybreak!"

"No, she sang a cover at her school karaoke."

98). She killed the song.

99). Everyone cried.

100). She was a Shepard in her school nativity.

"How many days have we been here now?" Emmy asked, lip still bleeding from Clive's slap.

Flora checked her watch.

"4.7"

"That's it! I am going to the reception desk." The professor declared. "Clive come with me. I may need back up."

And off they went.

* * *

A/N: I may not be able to update seeing as tomorrow is the supposed end of the world but...

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU GUIZE!

If we live to see it, that is.


	3. Little Billy Hawks

Oh my God, Bill Hawks isn't on the character selection. I don't even care I am doing his list anyway even if he is a shitty person.

Oh and thanks for my reviews! They are lovely thank you very much. And I don't know why Barton wasn't on there. And I forgot about him anyway. But anyway, on with the list.

* * *

"Hello?" Professor Layton shouted at the reception desk. An old woman looked up over the top of the desk and gave him a scowl.

"Yes?"

"We have been waiting for ages now! Where the hell is Inspector Chelmey?" Clive shouted.

"He's busy!" Margaret snapped.

From under the desk, there came a gruff voice.

"Margaret…get back here, you criminal."

Margaret giggled.

"You can arrest me all you like."

She disappeared back under the desk and there was lots more giggling and moaning.

Suddenly a pair of pink lacy kickers hit Clive in the face and hung over his shoulder like a dead cat.

Then a pair of boxers flew through the air and landed on the floor.

A pink bra landed on the professor's hat.

Clive and Layton both stiffened and slowly walked away, matching traumatised looks on their faces.

"What the hell…?" Luke frowned at the underwear that decorated the two men.

"So," Emmy smiled as they returned. "Will Chelmey be back soon?"

Clive and Layton both shook their heads and shrunk to the floor, sucking their thumbs and tears welling up in their eyes.

"Ok then." Flora frowned.

"Hey! It's Bill Hawks' file!" Luke exclaimed.

Clive shot back up again, so quickly the knickers flapped around like a bird, anger in his eyes.

"_**Bill**_ _**Hawks**_!"

1). Bill Hawks smells like wee.

2). I hate Bill Hawks.

3). Bill Hawks + Mentally deranged Clive = DEAD HAWKS!

4). No one likes Bill Hawks.

5). I want to wee on Bill Hawks' head.

6) I WILL WEE ON BILL HAWKS' HEAD.

7). Even Flora would make a better Prime Minister than him.

"Hey!"

"Well, I'm SORRY!" Clive shouted.

"Clive…can someone else write some facts?" Emmy asked.

"NO."

8). I wish Bill Hawks had been squished by Clive's fortress of death because he was a generally shitty person and deserved to die.

Clive and the professor high fived.

"Dear god…" Emmy frowned at the new partnership the two men seemed to have formed.

9). Bill Hawks was the shittest scientist ever.

"Please elaborate."

"He can't even do ONE experiment without killing hundreds of people and causing mass destruction. He's a shitter scientist than Flora."

10). He was also the shortest.

11). I hope someone throws a brick at him and he dies.

12). Bill Hawks paints his nails.

13). Bill Hawks looks like poo.

14). BILL HAWKS KILLED MY PARENTS!

15). BILL HAWKS KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND!

The professor and Clive hugged each other and sobbed like there was no tomorrow.

16). Bill Hawks probably started the war with Iraq.

17). He probably started World War Two as well.

18). He was probably bestos with Hitler.

19). He probably started World War One also.

20). HE IS A RACIST WHO CAN'T TIE MY LACES.

21). HIS POINT OF VIEW IS MEDIEVAL.

22). FUCK YOU ... (bill hawks).

"Professa! They're song lyrics! Why doesn't Clive get a time out?"

"At least they were fitting! Unlike yours!"

23). LUIS SUAREZ SHOULD BEAT BILL HAWKS UP!

"Hell yeah! That's a good idea, Clive! I shall call him right now!"

24). LUIS SUAREZ WOULD KICK HIS ASS!

25). He'd kick it all the way to ASDA and back.

26). Then he'd score millions of goals against him.

27). Then Bill Hawks would cry.

28). HE'D CRY TEARS OF BLOOD!

"Luis Suarez is busy." The professor sighed. "But he may be able to do it next Tuesday!"

"YAY FOR LUIS SUAREZ!"

29). Bill Hawks knows the dance to Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani.

30). JACK THE RIPPER WAS REALLY BILL HAWKS!

"OMG YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THAT!"

31). Bill Hawks has a dog called LaPooh.

32). He also watches Peppa Pig and stars as Daddy Pig.

"Oh. I get it." Flora nodded. "This will have about two facts about Bill Hawks and the other 98 will be insults. Ridiculous insults at that."

"...Why'd you even come here, Flora? Nobody likes you."

"Aww."

33). I can't believe that you held on to him when he was flying out of your stupid flying car.

34). You FOOLS.

35). You foolishly foolish fools with your foolish good deeds and your foolishly foolish prime minister (who is a bigger foolish fool than most).

"Who are you?" Layton asked the blue haired new-comer.

"Who is this foolishly foolish fool who doesn't know the perfect Franziska Von Karma?"

"I'm Professor Hershel Layton-"

"I don't care you foolishly foolish fool!"

"Want to hear a puzzle?"

"...DADDY DIED!" She cried. Professor Layton gave her some tea and gave her an oddly consoling puzzle about the weight of apples.

36). Bill Hawks wees himself daily.

37). Like when someone makes him laugh or someone scares him by trying to push him off a roof or something.

All eyes were turned to Clive.

"It wasn't me!"

"Yes it was." Emmy growled. "You can't lie to ME! MWAHAHAHA!"

38). Bill Hawks is the anti-Christ.

39). Bill Hawks sets fire to charity shops.

40). He also shaves puppies and kittens and makes coats out of them.

41). He also steals from orphanages.

42). He makes bread for homeless people and then EATS IT IN FRONT OF THEM.

"That heartless bastard."

"Well...DUH!"

43). He coughs up phlegm and wipes it on people's faces.

"Clive...you do know these facts have to be true?"

"I DON'T CARE."

44). Bill Hawks can't read.

45). He doesn't agree with purple dinosaurs.

46). Why did you stupid fools save him?

"Because I was trying to flirt with my dead girlfriend's twin by looking all brave and shit in front of her."

Franziska frowned at Layton and whipped his hat off.

"OW! OH MY GOD! The pain! THE PAIN! CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!"

"You're an ambulance."

47). One time, Bill Hawks and I were playing chess on the frozen lake and he said I was boring and then he took off his energy mask and he was really Cameron Diaz.

48). There was a chance that could of been a dream.

49). Bill Hawks cannot ride a horse.

"Well that's obvious what with Bill being so fat and all."

50). If we rub peas in Bill Hawks hair…and put him in a tanning booth…and stole his glasses…and forced him to dance and sing about bitchy children…we'd have our very own Oompa Loompa.

51). Bill meows at statues whilst the Pink Panther theme plays.

"These facts are absolutely ridiculous. I doubt they even qualify as facts at all."

Franziska whipped Emmy.

Emmy ripped off Franziska's head and spat on her corpse.

"Emmy! Why did you do that?" The professor gasped. "I was just about to ask her to be my wife."

"A pair of tough titties to you."

52). Bill Hawks will have 'Bill Hawks : Killed Millions' on his headstone

"Mine will say 'Clive Dove : Buried Alive'."

53). Bill Hawks once married an eighty year old woman.

54). An ugly eighty year old woman.

"Luke you can't steal stuff from movies."

"I can and, oh my god, I will."

And for being too cocky, Professor Layton swung his leg back and kicked Luke in the face with accuracy that would make Luis Suarez proud. Luke went flying out through the window like a little fat bullet and landed in some kind of field.

55). If Bill Hawks was a tree, he'd be a very fat and ugly tree.

56). Bill Hawks has size three feet.

57). And you know what they say about guys with small feet?

58). They can wear kid shoes.

Emmy slapped Layton for his innuendo.

59). Bill Hawks went on The Chase.

60). And lost.

61). To Bradley Walsh who was the stand-in chaser.

62). THE SHAME!

"Well at least he's ashamed of something whereas he doesn't even care about others." Clive scowled.

63). Bill Hawks is really SANTA CLAUS!

"Well...that explains why last Christmas I just got a big stocking full of murder."

"Clive, I am having none of your sass today."

64). Bill Hawks reminds me of Duncan Bananatine (or whatever the hell is name is).

65). Bill Hawks got raped in prison by Scooby-Doo

"…"

66). There's also a chance that may have been a dream too...

"A small chance, perhaps." Layton frowned.

67). Bill once looked at a toad which cursed it, causing it to spontaneously combust.

"I take it there was a chance that that was a dream too?" The professor scowled.

"Oh no, that definitely happened!" Flora nodded. "It was like it was yesterday! Actually, now I think about it, there is a chance that-"

"It was a dream?"

"No. A chance that it was yesterday!"

"I thought we were here yesterday." Emmy scowled.

"That means...BILL HAWKS WAS HERE!" Clive screeched, before dropping to the floor, trying to sniff out Bill and lead him to his much deserved demise.

68). I SHALL REACH INTO MY SECRET INNER BLOODHOUND, SNIFF BILL OUT AND KILL HIM WITH FIRE AND HOLY WATER.

"HE'LL YEAH I WILL!"

The professor smiled happily at Clive, who was still scuttling around on the floor and sniffing people's shoes.

"Aww...look at Clive's happy little head."

"He's in his element, professa!" Chirped Luke who had somehow returned from the field of nowhere-ness.

69). Lol. 69.

"Luke! How is that a fact?"

"69 is a lol, professa!"

"...Luke! How is that a fact about Bill Hawks?"

"Bill Hawks lols at 69, professa!"

"Well then I can do THIS!"

70). Poor people in pain.

"What?"

"That is something that Bill Hawks lols at. Bazinga."

Luke went shifty eyed.

"Well played, professa. Well played."

71). Bill Hawks isn't here.

"That may have been the first real fact we have seen on this list."

"THEY ARE ALL TRUE! And he isn't here. When I thought I was following the scent of Bill Hawks, I was really following the scent of an old potato."

"Oh."

72). Bill Hawks officially smells like an old potato.

73). Forget all the other stuff I may have said he smells like in this list. He smells like an old potato. Ignore the others.

74). DO IT, DO IT NOW!"

"Clive! Stop threatening the audience!" Emmy cried as she tried to pull him away from the computer.

75). Bill Hawks should marry my Nanna Wendy.

76). None of us really like her (because she's annoying) so it would keep her busy and stop her from visiting every Thursday.

77). Bill Hawks deserves her. She has two funny eyes which makes her look like shes looking in three separate directions when's she talking to one person, she has a perm, she randomly brings people Christmas cards days after Christmas and she calls me 'our Emmy'

78). YOU DON'T OWN ME, FOUL WITCH.

79). Also, she keeps calling me Georgia which is my mother's name and she is also pregnant (fat) and hormonal (incredibly bitchy) so she's hurting my FEELINGS by calling me that!

"Emmy...are you feeling ok?"

"N-N-N-Yes."

80). Bill Hawks is a drunk waiter.

"Bit random. Why would you call him that?"

"I think someone called me that on Assassin's Creed."

"Bit rude."

81). Bill Hawks has quadruple chins.

82). He never built a fort out of couch cushions as a little Bill.

"HE HAD NO CHILDHOOD."

"Neither did you. Your parents died and you had to move in with a random old lady."

"DON'T YOU DISS CONSTANCE! She was my rock."

"Yeah, professor! Didn't you watch your best friend die?"

"That was adolescence. Not childhood. Bazinga."

"Stop that."

83). Bill Hawks died in 1852.

"Did he?"

"Yes but there's a secret spell that can be preformed once a century when the moon is in the eighth of somewhere..."

"That's the intro to Duckula."

"As I was saying...the eighth of somewhere..."

84). Bill's favourite TV shows are:

85). 'Legmash! - People breaking their legs in real accidents'

86). 'Bag of sticks - A picture of a bag of sticks for half an hour'

87). 'Bag of sticks, Christmas special - a dead robin lying in the bag of sticks'

88). 'No! Put that down! - Footage of parents in supermarkets refusing to buy their children sweets'

89). 'Bag of sticks, behind the magic - four hour long interviews with the producer, the cameraman and the dead robin'

"Clive! Did you make those up?"

"NO! I actually featured on 'No! Put that down!' as one of the parents."

"But you're not a parent."

"I'm not?! Gee, Flora, I forgot! You stupid child! I know that! It was a random child who wanted me to buy him sweets but I said no and bought him a tomato instead."

"I think that child was me." Layton frowned

"Ah, yes. It was."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT TO ME, CLIVE DOVE, YOU SCOUNDREL! TO SPITE YOU, I AM GOING TO MARRY BILL HAWKS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~"

"Does that mean Nanna Wendy doesn't have a chance anymore?" Emmy asked.

"I'm afraid not."

"So...she's going to carry on visiting every Thursday?"

"I'm afraid so."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~"

90). I love Bill Hawks and I'm going to give him foot rubs everyday.

91). I'll wear a pink, lacy pinny whilst I cook him a stew.

92). I shall also wear a dress and let him poo in my hat.

93). But I won't wear it anymore. That is where I draw the line.

94). I'm going to snog Bill Hawks' face off and send it to you Clive! FIRST CLASS! Ha ha!

95). I shall look like a beautiful princess on our wedding day.

"I wanna see a picture!" Flora cried.

Layton ripped out a page of the Bible he always kept in his hat and roughly drew a sketch of a stick figure wearing a dress that resembled a triangle and little v shaped birds around him.

He proudly handed it to Emmy and Flora.

"YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!" They both sobbed.

"You're the most beautiful bride I ever saw!" Flora wept.

"You look like a princess!" Emmy sniffed.

"What's that piece of poo in the corner?" Clive asked, looking over the blubbering messes' shoulder.

"That's you. You've turned into a poo because you weren't invited to the wedding."

"Ah. How splendid."

"Quite."

96). Bill is beautiful!

Suddenly, Barton rode up on a horse.

"Here is a letter from Bill Hawks."

The professor savagely ripped it open.

"BASTARD SAID NO!" He shouted. "He said no to my wedding proposal!"

"Pity." Barton lied. "Now I must fight a dragon." And he rode off again.

"See? Bill Hawks is a wanker." Clive nodded.

"You're right, Clive. I SHALL MARRY LUKE INSTEAD!"

"Awww, hell naw."

97). BILL HAWKS SHALL TURN INTO A POO BECAUSE HE ISN'T INVITED TO OUR WEDDING.

"But I'm already married, professor!"

"TO WHO?!" The professor and Flora shrieked at the same time.

"A-A-Arianna?"

The professor and Flora both let out identical gasps and fell to the floor at the same time.

"Well, I get why the professor fainted but why Flora?"

"She must've seen a murder outside or something." Emmy said.

98). Bill Hawks is a really naff prime minister.

99). First, he kills a bunch of people then he acts like a jerk to Clive and the professor on two separate occasions.

"THE NERVE OF THAT MAN!"

"When was he rude to you twice?"

"Once when he was arresting me and the other when he blew up my parents. Blowing up my parents was rather rude of him."

"I...suppose that's one way of looking at it. The nerve of that fellow."

100). Bill Hawks doesn't like soup.

Luke kicked the professor and Flora's unconscious bodies. "This was an eventful list."

"Quite so."

And they all sat on the floor and waited for the professor and Flora to wake up. And for Chelmey to get back. And for Bill Hawks to be unelected as prime minister. And for the sandwich trolley. And for world peace. And for- well lots of things really.

* * *

Can I just say that the Nanna Wendy thing is true. And that she does call me 'Emma' like my mum even though my name is Georgie and has been for quite a while.

And I hope no one with eye difficulties takes offence at my description but let's just say hers is so bad she makes babies cry. Literally. I have a baby brother who cries every time she sticks her head in the pram. And she keeps trying to kiss him on the lips. She's a freaky old woman.

BYE BYE


	4. Claire Foley (possibly)

It's Claire's list! Oh no! I didn't want to do Brenda because she's boring and I'm not doing Broneph Reinel because I only just finished Miracle Mask so I'm not too sure who the hell he is. Not looking forward to Claire because she died so anything mean I say is immediately taboo. Much apologies for any taboo-like behaviour. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY! LET US CHEER!

* * *

Also, I use my phone which uses auto-correct so if anything doesn't make sense, I am not stupid but my phone is. (I.E - Luke changes to like sometimes and hell turns to he'll) Sorry about that!

Many of the things that they were waiting for happened. The sandwich trolley came just after the list was finished. Clive had lettuce. Emmy had cheese. Flora had tomato. Professor had tea sandwiches. Luke had the rest of the sandwiches put into one big sandwich.

"What the hell is that?" The professor frowned at the sandwich of curse-y fatness. "I am not paying for that."

Bill Hawks was unelected prime minister but that was only because he was eaten by a dragon.

The professor and Flora woke up when they smelt the sandwiches, the fat bastards.

World peace occurred when a donkey got blown up by a bomb and everyone was so sad that world peace happened.

Unfortunately, Chelmey never returned. Shames.

"He's probably too busy shagging Margret." Clive frowned.

"Clive!" The professor gasped, covering a random policeman's ears. "There are innocents about!"

"Fine. Making love to Margret."

"Ooh! It's Claire's list!" Flora exclaimed.

The professor flung himself on top of Luke's massive sandwich and cried into it.

Luke shrugged and carried on eating it.

1). Claire is dead.

2). This is a proven fact.

3). She doesn't have a twin sister.

4). That is also a proven fact.

5). Lots of people loved her.

6). This can lead us to conclude that her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

7). That is a proven fact.

"THAT IS MY DEAD EX-GIRLFRIEND YOU ARE PROVING FACTS ABOUT!" Layton shrieked, sitting up quickly.

"Oh, quiet you." Clive scowled and he pushed Layton back into the sandwich. Then he quickly moved him because Luke was about to eat him.

8). Claire was a wonderful woman and she will be forever missed.

9). Claire backwards is Erialc.

10). Erialc backwards is Claire.

"Are you quite finished?"

"Yes."

10). Claire wanted to lick the professor's face for reasons we cannot begin to fathom.

11). YAY!

"Yay? Yay? Yay does not work as a fact."

"It does in PANGWORLD."

"Flora go flush your head down the toilet. Life has nothing to do with you."

12). Claire once set fire to a horse.

13). She wanted to see if it would explode or not.

14). It never did.

"Oh the memories!" Layton wailed as he crawled across the floor for no reason whatsoever. "I bought her that flamethrower."

"It sounds like you shouldn't of." Clive frowned as the professor grabbed onto his leg and sobbed into it.

15). Claire's idea of a cunning disguise is an oversized and slightly amusing hat.

16). Claire used to watch Bargain Hunt.

17). Before she exploded that is.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Clive!" Emmy scolded. "You have to be kind. After all, it was his girlfriend who died."

"Oh yes. I forgot that."

18). How sad would it have been if Claire was carrying Layton's baby when she blew up?

19). That would be so sad.

"SHE WAS WHAT?!" Layton screeched.

"Woah, chill bro. We never said she was." Luke smiled calmly.

"MY BABY BLEW UP?!"

"Well…we don't know that for sure." Emmy scowled, kicking Clive in the trousers for even mentioning Claire's babies.

"I didn't mention babies, I said baby. Just one. Uno." Clive shrugged. "Unless…"

20). CLAIRE WAS PREGNANT WITH TWINS!

"WHAAAAT?! TWO OF MY BABIES EXPLODED?!"

Clive shrugged.

"Stop shaking me, dude. It wasn't me that blew your babies up. It was Bill Hawks- THAT BASTARD!" Clive exclaimed once he remembered the small fact that Bill Hawks also blew up his parents as well as Layton's possibly real children.

"That smelly little potato!" Flora gasped because she hadn't said anything for a while.

21). Claire never met Randall

22). Claire never met Anton

23). Claire never met Emmy.

24). Claire never met Baron Augustus Reinhold.

25). Claire met me.

"Well done professor." Emmy smiled, patting him on the back. "You wrote something without crying on the computer."

26). Maybe Claire is a ghost and she's here RIGHT NOW.

"AGHHHH!" Clive bravely squealed and he swung his arms around like a windmill.

"That's not very nice." Luke frowned. "You may have just took poor Claire's head off."

"Aghhhh!" Clive screamed again, rubbing his hand all over Flora to get all the dead people gunk off before the germs leapt up and zapped him.

27). Claire haunts the old mill.

"What old mill?"

"I don't know. Just a mill that is old. It could be in Blackpool. Or it could be in Liverpool. Maybe even Scunthorpe. The point is, that somewhere there is an old mill and Claire is haunting it."

28). We might see her on Most Haunted.

29). Hopefully she bites Derek Accorah.

30). AND HE DIES!

"I take it you don't like Derek Accorah."

"No. I invited him around for tea and biscuits and he started saying that my parent's spirits were in the room and then he pretended to be possessed by my mother who told me that my father wasn't my real father and that my real father was called Terence Fishwick and he was in a mental asylum because he was traumatised after watching his family die."

"What a jerk."

31). Claire never finished Assassin's Creed : Brotherhood.

"Well then, she's rubbish. If she can't even finish AC:B without exploding, I'm glad she's dead!" Luke yelled.

The professor turned a deep shade of red and started to tremble. His eyes went veiny and smoke billowed out of his ears. You know in cartoons when someone gets mad and smoke pours out of their ears? Well that happened IN REAL LIFE. The professor rushed out and before they knew it, there was a huge fortress outside destroying London, with a crazed professor steering who had smoke coming out of his ears IN REAL LIFE.

Everyone cried or screamed or whatever but Clive remained silent as this was partly his fault for putting the idea in the professor's head when he tried to destroy London, two years before. That then made him wonder why they'd let him out after two years. That made no sense. After all-

"AGHHHHHH!" Emmy shouted as she pushed Clive out of the way as a massive fortress leg nearly smooshed him.

"This is all your fault, Luke!" Clive shouted from the floor, to stop everyone from looking at him and partly to take any possible blame off of him. "If you hadn't dissed Claire the professor wouldn't be trying to kill everyone."

"I'M NOT DESTROYING LONDON FOR THAT!" The professor's voice trailed from up above. "I JUST DON'T LIKE ASSASSIN'S CREED."

32). Claire was a ginger.

The pandemonium stopped. Everyone turned to Flora who had just wrote the fact. For reason, the fortress chose that moment to break causing lots of steam to billow out all over the place IN REAL LIFE. The professor was flung back into Scotland Yard…or whatever was left of it.

"Please, professor." Emmy begged. "Stop being such a douchenozzle and just punch Luke in the face for being a brat."

So he did. Multiple times.

33). Claire is so proud of her ex-fiancé husband for this.

"What?" The professor stopped punching Luke to look up at Flora.

"You were going to propose weren't you?"

Layton reached into his hat and pulled out a dusty box. Inside, there was a beautiful engagement ring with a diamond the size of his fist.

"I was going to give her this." Layton sighed. He then turned away. "I want you to have this. You're a very special person to me and this is a very special ring. I want you to look after it and always think of Claire when you look at it. Think of how wonderful she was. Don't protest. You are the most important person to me and I think you should have the most important possession I own other than my hat."

Layton handed over the ring and turned away, tears in his eyes.

"I will love you forever, Claire. And now you, sweetheart. I want you to wear this on your wedding day." The professor continued. "I love you Clive."

"Professor, I have two things to say. One: I don't understand why you're giving this to me and, Two: that is not me, that is a goat."

The professor squinted to see that he was, in fact, face to face with a random goat.

"Oh. And I'm giving this to you because it's what Claire would've wanted."

"Surely she'd of wanted to have not died and to marry you instead."

"Yes but…after that."

"I see. Thank you professor." Clive nodded.

However once the professor had turned around, Clive pulled out his phone and put the goat on eBay and gave the ring to Emmy.

34). Claire cried at the Dead Island trailer.

"I wasn't aware Claire saw that. I thought she died before it came out."

"We don't know that!" Flora cried.

35). Once, Claire was stung by a jellyfish and the professor had to pee on her foot.

"Ewwwww."

36). TAMARA WEARS BOOB PADS.

"Who the hell is Tamara?!"

"I DON'T KNOW! I RAN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY!" Luke trembled on the floor.

37). At Claire's funeral, we all sang HOLY HOLY MACRO.

"Quaint."

"Yes…quaint."

HOLY HOLY MACRO!

38). Claire listens to bands like Iron Maiden because YOLO

"You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once."

"Errr…YODO."

39). Claire invented Oreos.

40). After all, she is a scientist.

41). Claire fell off a castle.

42). She was on the top tower and she fell over the side and was saved by an unfortunate cow who did not make it.

"Are you trying to say she's fat?"

"No, I'm saying that the cow was weak."

43). I don't know how the professor got Claire.

44). She's out of his league.

45). Maybe she didn't know about his afro.

46). Claire once had a picnic on the moon.

47). The jelly exploded and the whole moon was covered in jelly.

48). NASA had to rewrite all their maps.

49). It was a mess.

50). CLAIRE WEARS BOOB PADS.

"Will you shut up about boob pads!" Emmy shouted.

"No!" Luke scowled. "It's my hot body and I'll do what I want!"

"Will you become a prostitute so we can afford to pay the rent?"

"…Yes."

"Good boy!" The professor smiled at patted his apprentice on the head.

51). Claire loves Layton.

52). She also loves Dimitri.

"Aww- wait what?"

53). She also loves Don Paolo.

"NO SHE DOESN'T! SHE LOVES MEEEE! ME AND NO ONE ELSSSSSE!" Layton hissed.

54). Nope. Poor you.

"NOOOOOOOOOO~"

55). Claire does jigsaws.

56). It takes her an hour to do a 50 piece jigsaw that is recommended for 5-8 years olds.

"Clive." Emmy said with a warning tone. "Are you sure thats not you?"

"Positive." He said doing little shifty eyes.

57). Claire played the violin when she was seven.

58). She was as awful as Luke.

"Hey! I'm not awful! I play like an angel."

"An angel who was thrown out of heaven, on to a concrete road, run over by by a cream convertible mini which exploded, bought a violin and tried to play it."

"Real rude of you professa."

59). Claire's favourite day of the week is Tuesday.

60). Claire is singing Holy Holy Macro with the angels now.

"What the hell is holy holy macro?"

"Quit yo jibber jabber Flora!"

"I'm sorry, Luke!"

"You should be, hoe."

"LUKE!" The professor shouted. "That is my adopted daughter child thing! YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!"

61). Claire had an Auntie Bainbridge.

62). She used to smell like soap and biscuits.

63). Before she died, that is.

64). Now she smells like dead people and wee.

65). AUNTIE BAINBRIDGE WEARS BOOB PADS!

"LUKE WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT BOOB PADS!"

"No!"

And Luke went into a beautiful trance…

He was surrounded by boob pads!

"I just want to marry all of you gorgeous boob pads!" He exclaimed in his dream. And in real life which confused everyone to no end.

66(. Claire wasn't in the Curious Village.

67). Claire wasn't in Pandora's Box.

68). Claire was in the Lost Future.

69). Claire wasn't in the Spectre's Call.

70). Claire wasn't in the Eternal Diva.

71). Claire wasn't in the Miracle Mask.

"Flora, you're saying these things but no one knows what you're on about."

Flora looked around shiftily. Was she the only one who knew that they weren't real? Was she the only one that knew they were in a series of best selling games?

No. She had no idea what she was on about either.

72). Claire has turnip curtains.

73). Claire will share her onion rings with you.

74). That's good of her.

75). She doesn't like feet.

76). Claire gets angry and violent when people pick on Luis Suarez.

"Ah! You trained her well, professa!"

"Yes I did, Luke. Yes I did."

Secretly, the professor had fallen in love with another footballer, Jesus Fernandez Suso, for reasons slightly unknown. YODO, guys, YODO.

77). Claire likes to clean windows.

78). Claire always wanted to grow a beard.

79). Or a moustache.

80). She also wanted to learn the guitar and the trumpet and play them at the same time.

81). She had so many life ambitions and they were all cut short, tragically and swiftly.

Everyone turned to Clive who was hunched into the corner.

"I'm…not…crying…there's something…in both…my eyes." He sobbed.

82). Celeste wasn't real.

83). Claire time travelled.

84). She was sort of dead when she did it but still…she did it.

85). Claire liked to wear a Liverpool kit and stand by ill Everton fan's hospital beds.

86). Freaking YOLO. Or YODO.

"If anything, Claire taught us that YODO wasn't true so even though we invented it about 48 facts ago, it has to end because she died twice."

YODT.

"Oh come on!"

87). At least Layton got to say goodbye the second time because the first time, he was busy restraining a mad Clive whose parents had just boomed.

"There's…still…something in…both my…eyes." Clive sniffled. Layton shrugged, joining him and they cried together. Well, both collectively got something in all four eyes the two of them possessed.

88). It would have been better if Claire turned out to be a zombie and just when everyone thought it was safe, she popped out of somewhere and ate everyone's brains.

89. And by everyone I mean people like Patrice Evra (a Man U player :|) and Bill Hawks (a bastard that we all know and hate).

"That would've been fun."

90). It would have been even better if no one exploded but you can't win them all, I suppose.

91). Well you can but only if you use a walkthrough. Such fun!

92). For Claire's birthday, I got her a One Direction card and a cake with a candle stuck in it.

"Professor, that cake was from Greggs, sort it out!" Clive commanded.

The professor ran out to put a very expensive cake on Claire's grave that would feed a very hungry hobo.

Which is a different version of Hungry Hippos.

But still just as amusing and fun for all ages.

93). Claire was a woman.

94). She spontaneously combusted.

"Thank you for not saying she exploded, Clive. It isn't the most respectful way of putting things."

"If it makes you feel any better, my parents exploded. Or spontaneously combusted. Which ever way is better."

95). Claire was cremated.

96). Even before the funeral.

97). But they put her ashes in a lovely little vase.

98). Then Don Paolo stole them and now he performs weird rituals with them.

"OH GOD THE IMAGES! MY EYES! MY EYESSSS!"

"Chill your beans, professa."

99). I have to admit, even though we've been saying that she blew up and she was a ginger and stuff, she was a wonderful woman who only ever thought of others.

100). We miss Claire :(

"Well, this wasn't the most fitting tribute for her but I think she'd appreciate it anyway." The professor frowned.

"Speaking of people who are dead and never coming back and we will never see again," Luke frowned, causing Layton, Clive and Flora to cry. "I think Chelmey died."

"That is a shame." Flora frowned getting up after crying about her dead father for about two seconds.

* * *

So that was the latest list. Hoorah. Next is Clark's and then it is Clive's and the fun will truly begin MWAHAHAHA.

I don't know for sure if I will finish this with all possible characters but if the Mayans taught us anything it is that if we don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

GeorgiexxxSuarez ~ILLS+ILJFS~ xxx


	5. Clark Triton

I will actually be moving house on February 10th. Seems pointless to tell you but that does mean I won't have Internet for a month which will mean that there will be a lot less reviews. This does raise the chance that I may not finish this but if the Mayans taught us anything it's that just because we don't finish something, it isn't the end of the world.

THANKS FOR MY REVIEWS!

* * *

1). Clark has big hair.

"What the hell?"

"We've already started the list, Luke. Keep up!" The professor shouted at him.

2). It reminds me of bread.

3). Bread hair!

"My father shall hear of this!" Luke shouted, pointing his hand skyward.

Clive pushed him over with a simple shove.

"Luke, pipe the fuck down."

Clive was put in time-out for being an assho'.

4). Clark is the Obama of Misthallery.

5). Thanks, Clarkbama!

6). On Google Images, I found a picture of him in a duck suit playing the accordion.

7). It was slightly amazing.

"Emmy," Flora sighed "you need to find a husband."

"I shall do no such thing."

8). He looks like a goat.

"That is my father you're talking about!"

"You shut your trap, Luke!"

9). Clark Triton is one sexy mofo.

10). Imma sext him.

"Clive, that is my father you're sexting!"

"Quieten down, you incompetent buffalo."

Clive: Heyy Clark you sexy bby! ;) xx

Clark: Wut

"Hot," the professor frowned.

11). Who needs weird-ass masked donkey men when you have a sexy beard?

"Weird-ass donkey men?"

"Flora! We're talking about Descole, you ignorant cow!"

12). Clark was good at archeology.

"Why yes," the professor smiled as he reminisced, "Clark excelled at identifying organisms in strata such as this!" (End PL quote)

13). THAT DID NOT SAY WHAT I THOUGHT IT DID

14). Clark named Luke so he could say 'Luke, I am your father'

15). When Descole disguised himself as Doland, he was forced to abide by Clark's rules of the house.

16). One of the rules stated that the butler was only allowed to eat carrots and drink carrot juice which is why Descole's skin was so orange in Last Spectre compared to Eternal Diva.

17). That or he fake tans.

18). I prefer the carrot theory.

"I have to admit that I do too."

19). Apparently, Clark's beard is called Billington, which is Brenda's maiden name. Billington is actually a devil that holds a curse upon the Triton family but Clark managed to tame it into facial hair to keep an eye on it. And named it Billington.

"Oh. Fair enough."

20). BREAD HAIR!

"Will you stop adding that in? I think Clark's hair is rather fabulous."

"You would."

21). HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE A BAGETTE!

22). Bread head!

23). Clark sings Justin Beiber songs in the shower.

24). Clark Triton lost his position of Mayor by breaking various child abandonment laws.

25). CLARK IS A BEWILDERED AND WELL DRESSED GOAT MAN.

26). Tourists actually only go to Misthallery to see Clark's magnificent beard.

27). I thought that Dimitri made an appearance in Last Spectre but then I saw Clark and was like "Oh, it's just you. Carry on."

28). If Luke is a potato, Clark is a taco, Brenda is a casserole, Randall is a cucumber, Henry is soup, Sharon is a watermelon, then Puzzlelette is an apple, Granny Riddleton is a duck and Keats is celery.

"Oh. I don't see what that has to do with Clark apart from the taco part but fair enough."

29). Luke was conceived on the shower.

30). Clark loves Ke$ha because she likes his beard.

31). Luke is not Clark's biological son.

"WHAT?!"

"But Luke looks just like his father! And you said, just two facts ago, that Luke was conceived on the shower!"

"I LIED!"

*Gasps!*

Clark ran in, his bread head shiny with sweat from running all the way from America to wherever the hell the main characters of this story are.

"SON! I have something to tell you! I am NOT your father!"

Luke cried.

Layton nearly fainted.

Flora didn't know who this person was and therefore wasn't interested.

Clive felt proud because it was just a guess what he said before but it was right which proved he had PHYSIC POWAZ!

Emmy was busy drawing a bunny on the wall.

"I'm your mother!" Clark finished.

There was a moment of silence as everyone, apart from Luke who was trying desperately not to barf, suppressed their giggles.

"Wait so…who's my father?"

Everyone turned to Layton.

"It was most certainly not me!" He lied.

32). Clark is always naked but paints his skin so it looks like he wears clothes.

33). Clark is in fact a robot created by Bruno.

"Mars?!"

"No, Flora! Bruno as in the guy who made robots of everyone in St Mystere! The man who built your life!"

"Oh."

34). Clark Triton is a horrible father.

"Oh no you did not."

35). Clark Triton is a horrible mother.

"That's better!"

"Luke, how is that better?!"

"BOOM!" Clark rudely interrupted as he exploded into firey man shrapnel.

"Oh. How rare." Clive frowned as bits of Clark-BreadHead-Triton rained down from the heavens.

Emmy stopped drawing her bunny once she realised the wall was on fire.

"Oh, dear. What happened?"

"My mother/father just blew up!" Luke sobbed.

"Is that all?" Emmy frowned as she went back to her bunny.

He was called Fred.

(\_/)

(O.o)

( )

36). I think Clark did a little wee on the floor before he exploded.

37). Or it could be Pepsi.

38). It's hard to tell the difference.

"Eww, I'm standing in it!" Clive complained, "so are you, Luke."

But Luke was a little busy mourning the random and very unnecessary death of his mother. Or father. Which ever one Clark was.

39). No one is particularly sure why Clark and his extravagant beard blew up just then.

40). Maybe Clark will find out in the afterlife but by then the information will be too late to be useful.

41). A bit like if the whole 'does heaven and hell really exist?' situation.

42). Clark wants to hang Gary Glitter.

"But, professor, don't you understand? Clark's beard brings peace to the land."

43). Let Clark borrow that top.

44). He wants to borrow that top.

45). It's such a cute top.

46). It's a cute top.

47). So let him borrow it.

48). Let him borrow the top.

"NO!" Clive said ripping off his shirt, to the delight of many fan girls, and hugging it, "It's mine!"

49). Clark does not approve of your whipper-snapper shenanigans.

50). He does approve of randomly giving away his child to a friend he hasn't seen for 16 years, no terms or conditions applied.

51). That's just how he rolls.

52). Clark plays on Sims.

53). He makes everyone get married and squeals like a little sugar-powered hamster every time something romantic happens.

54). He made the professor jump into Claire's arms.

55). IT WAS BEAUTIFRU!

56). Everyone cried rivers of JOY!

57). Clark is an African Bogfrog.

"That is my recently deceased father you're on about!"

"Shut yer gob!" Said the professor who had turned into a farmer for reasons unknown.

58). Clark has been to space!

59). I got bored in art and drew a stick-figure Clark with a miraculous beard and very big bread hair.

60). I then drew him as a woman and got some very weird looks off the person next to me.

61). Apparently, you can't draw bearded women with fantabulous hair without being weird.

"Flora, you need to start paying attention in school. Art is an important lesson that could save your life one day."

"How?!"

"If a Somalian pirate kidnaps you and threatens to kill you if you don't draw an…eight legged elephant."

62). Clark goes camping in Scotland.

63). A small town in Wales called Snowhaven.

64). That could be a good setting for a new Layton story.

65). Clark rubs Halloween sweets on his face referring to them as his bitches.

"Is that a Triton Family tradition, Luke?" Emmy asked, smirking.

"…No." He lied.

66). Clark is a transvestite!

"Hey! That's my mother or father you're talking about!"

"I'm not judging." Clive smiled kindly. "I'm just saying that if Clark felt he was trapped in a woman's body, it's fine for him to be proud about it."

"This is really confusing." Flora frowned. "Is Clark a woman?"

"Yes. He is." Layton nodded.

"But Clark is a man trapped in a woman's body?"

"Yes."

"So who's Luke's father?"

Everybody turned to Layton again.

"Will you stop that?! It isn't me! I only just found out that Clark was a woman."

67). Clark is thrilled that Liverpool play tomorrow AND on Wednesday.

68). He'll be watching the games from heaven.

69). If Liverpool lose, he shall get God to smite everyone.

(And I will be in a bad mood anyway)

70). Clark likes to sing.

71). He auditioned for the X-Factor as the third member of Jedward.

72). But he was kidnapped by pirates before the audition.

73). He escaped but couldn't carry on as John, Clark and Edward because they got through without him.

74). He still rooted for them every week though.

75). When they were voted off, he cried in the Golden Garden for a week.

76). Clark plays the accordion.

"Oh, how musically gifted he is. She is. She was." Layton struggled. "IM SO CONFUSED!" He sobbed, going into the fetal position.

77). Clark made Luke play the violin AGAINST HIS WILL.

"No…" Luke sobbed, going into a flashback. "Please don't make me remember…"

**FLASHBACK NOISE!**

"Luke! You have been given a violin! Now play it!" Clark demanded.

"But, father, no!"

"Do it, Luke!" His father shouted.

Luke started to sob as he played the violin. His father smiled sinisterly.

"Yes! Yes, Luke! Play the violin!"

"But, father-" Luke wailed as tears streamed down his face.

"Play it!" Clark yelled. "Play it forever!"

"No, father!" Luke cried.

"PLAY IT!" His father yelled again.

Luke wailed again, distressed and terrified of what would happen if he said no.

"What's going on in here?!" Brenda yelled as she walked into the room.

"Mother!" Luke sobbed. "Help me!"

"Clark!" Brenda barked. "You put an end to this immediately."

"But the boy has to learn!" Clark protested.

"Wrong!" Brenda shouted again.

"Luke, stop playing the violin." Clark scowled crossly.

"T-T-Thank you, father." Luke sniffled, traumatised over his ordeal.

"Ugh!" Clark huffed, storming out of the room.

Brenda eyed Luke suspiciously.

"Play the violin, Luke." She whispered.

**END OF FLASHBACK NOISE**

Everyone finished watching the flashback.

"Wow, Luke. You're so musically gifted you can make a violin sound like a trumpet."

Luke wasn't listening. Luke was sobbing on the floor, crying about all the years of pain he endured.

Everyone else shrugged and carried on.

78). Clark is rick-rolled all the time.

79). He gets angry and pees on his computer.

80). Brenda doesn't approve of those shenanigans at all.

81). Clark cannot play slender.

82). He gets scared and runs away.

83). Even when slenderman isn't there.

84). Clark is allergic to chips.

"Oh, what a sad life he must lead. Not being able to eat chips."

85). Clark has big ears.

86). They used to stick out of his hair.

87). He got really self-conscious and had ear surgery.

88). Now they are normal ears.

"Oh, goodie."

89). Clark never met Clive.

90). He never met Flora.

91). Clark is a bubble-trump.

92). A big fat bubble-trump.

"Emmy!" Layton scowled. "You have to show respect for the dead!"

"I will have you know that I must do no such thing."

93). Clark is the one that sang the theme song for Top Gun.

94). They say its a woman but all this time…it was Clark.

"I'm bored." Flora scowled. "And I'm hungry. Imma make reservations at a posh restaurant, k?"

"WE SHALL DINE IN STYLE!" Layton shouted, pointing his finger up and floating in the air whilst a anime background suddenly appeared for effect.

95). Clark's funeral is in a bit.

96). You can pay your respects by listening to the Top Gun theme song on YouTube and mouthing the words.

97). Clark shall be put in a shoe casket which is pushed out to sea.

98). Then well set fire to it and watch it BURN!

99). A traditional Viking funeral!

100). This sounds fun. We should do it next weekend to Barton or whoever dies next.

"TAKE MY BREATH AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Clive sung.

"Do do do…do do…do do do do doooooo!" Flora sang for the backing track.

"This is not how my father's funeral was meant to be." Luke scowled as he watched the massive red high heel casket be set on fire in the duck pond outside. It sunk eventually along with all the Clark chunks. Using a dust pan and brush (along with some expert puzzle skills), collecting them was a doddle.

"I thought it was a wonderful service." Layton smiled.

"That's only because the vicar gave you a puzzle."

Layton smiled in remembrance at the puzzle the vicar gave him.

"This was a lovely service." He sighed contently.

* * *

So…there we have it. I don't know when I'll be updating again so I'll see you when I see you, I suppose. Also to professa fan:

Can you do that?! I didn't know you could…if I find out how, I shall try it. And thank you!

It's Clive's list next which should be fun and games!

Also my best mate, Rebecca A.K.A Alikingfan, got me a little tub that had chewing gum inside that was a hologram so when you move it it changes from the Liverpool crest, to the words '7 - Luis Suarez' to a PICTURE OF HIS FACE. When she gave it to me, I was reminded of this (because the professa loves Luis Suarez XD) which is why I updated :) so thank her!

Byeeee~ xxx


	6. Clive Fernandez Alakazam Dove

I HAVE TWENTY-ONE REVIEWS *bounces around the room like an excited bunny* This has to be like my most successful story. I am a very peppy hippo! :D I'm not sure about the next update actually. I move in exactly a week so…I can update at school maybe.

AND YES I SHALL DO CROW! NO ONE CAN STOP ME! :D

Also, me and bbfitz came up with a name for the Layton followers:

*****Laytono-like-feet*****

BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES FEET!  
BUT WE ALL LIKE THE PROFESSOR!  
THAT IS WHY WERE ON THIS ARCHIVE!

* * *

Clive bounced around the room, excitedly like he'd had too much sugar.

"OMG! It's my list!" He sang. "It shall be beautifru!"

"Clive, stop saying beautiful!" Luke frowned from on the floor.

"No way! It's ma saying for life!"

"GUYS! WE HAD DINNER RESERVATIONS FOR EIGHT!" Flora yelled.

"Did we?"

"Yes, professor! Check the last chapter."

He did.

"Oh. We did have dinner reservations for eight. We shall have to rush through this list to be ready in time."

"Nooooooooo~" Clive shouted from the floor that he was know kneeling on.

1). Clive has swag.

2). Clive was in prison.

3). He sang songs like 'CellBlock Tango' to make the other prisoners scared.

4). I don't know where the other authors get ideas that he was bullied in there.

5). Clive ruled the prison.

"Honestly, where do you people get these ideas?!" Clive frowned.

"Because you told the prison guard that so he'd let you out early."

"Ssssh sssh sha sha sha!" Clive shushed Emmy, putting his hand over her mouth. "There may be a government conspiracy."

6). Clive doesn't like the Olympics.

"Why?"

7). Because they were held in London and Clive tried to destroy London.

8). Clive tried to destroy London.

9). BECAUSE FUCK YOU LONDON.

"AGH!" The professor cried, putting his hands over the children's ears a little to late to help anything. "Clive, you must WARN us before you swear."

10). It was a shame that Clive went to prison.

11). It wasted all that pretty, pretty hair.

12). We have reincarnated Clive's dad!

Bertie, Clive's dad, emerged in silver smoke.

"Clive, I have returned on the anniversary of my death to speak with you!"

"Wut?" Clive said. Then his eyes went all sparkly like one of those children on those old fashioned Christmas cards. The ones with the huge shiny eyes. "Father, is that really you?"

"Yes. I have something very important to say before I vanish again." Bertie took a deep breath. "Those long socks that are rolled up make you look like a girl. Wear a pimpin' fedora instead. Or a bowtie, they're cool."

"I hate you Dad." was Clive's only reply.

"SOCKS ARE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" Bertie cried out as he disappeared again.

13). Bertie is a badass.

14). Clive's mum, Bertricia, was honoured to have married him.

"Your parents have odd names."

15). Clive sings Olly Murs in the shower.

16). He also prints off fan-pictures of himself and rolls around in them.

"Clive stop writing facts about yourself!"

"But it's truuuuuuuue!"

17). Personally, if some guy I'd never met walked up to me and said "Hey, I'm future you!" I'd be like "WHO WAS MY YEAR 8 HISTORY TEACHER? WHAT SIZE SHOE DO I WEAR? HOW MANY GOALS HAS LUIS SUAREZ SCORED THIS SEASON? WHICH FOOTBALLER DO I WANT TO MARRY? WHO'S MY BEST FRIEND? WHO WAS MY FIRST TEC TEACHER IN YEAR 7? WHAT IS MY MOTHER CALLED? WHAT YEAR DID I WIN THE OLYMPICS?" But Luke was just like "Same hat. Same hair. He solved a puzzle- OMG IT'S FUTURE ME!

Everyone turned to Flora who had just wrote all that down.

"What? It's true."

18). Clive started going gaga when his adoptive mother died.

"Yep." Clive smiled happily.

-Another flashback! Noise-

k so my adoptive mum just died  
like omg i am sad  
but its cool i have this epic plan  
ok so u know how im rich now  
well what if i took all that money  
and built a life-size replica of future london  
and WRECKED IT  
YES  
PERFECT

- End of flashback -

Clive sighed happily whilst everyone else had images of him going gaga by dancing to Pokerface in a wig.

19). My favourite part about Clive is solving his puzzles.

20). No matter what you do, he's still disappointed.

21). If you get it right, he takes a moment to judge everything wrong you've ever done in your life.

22). And if you get it wrong, he looks at you like 'Can anyone actually be this retarded?'

"Yeah, Clive, it's rude. Sort it out."

"Sorry."

23). If Clive is Legal Luke, does that mean I'm Illegal Luke?

24). Why am I illegal?

"Cos your stupid." Emmy told him.

"Fair enough." Luke nodded.

25). Clive Dove has a very nice house.

"Stop writing facts about yourself."

"Never!"

26). Clive mimes to Paloma Faith with a hairbrush in the mirror.

"Clive I am warning you."

27). Clive has bingo wings yet still can't fly.

28). Clive eats people if they support Manchester United.

29). SO DON'T SUPPORT MAN U.

"Support Liverpool betches!"

"CLIVE!"

Clive was put in time-out.

30). Everyone seems to have forgotten the fact that Clive probably killed a LOT of people when he smashed those flats up.

Everyone went silent and depressed.

31). Clive smacks his betch up!

"YAY!" Everyone cried of happiness.

Luke's very important fact went out of the window at that point.

"HELL YEAH I DO!" Clive shouted happily from the corner he'd been banished to.

32). Clive played a dead body on Holby City.

33). He died from smacking his betch up.

34). Clive doesn't wear bras.

35). CLIVE WEARS BOOB PADS!

"Oh, not boob pads again!" Emmy sighed, faceplaming one big faceplam to society.

"YESH!" Luke sang. "BOOB PADSH!"

No one questioned why Luke was talking like he had a massive blob of mashed potato in his mouth.

He was so fat that they assumed that he actually did.

36). Clive's on a bus!

"Is he?" Flora asked. Everyone turned to see that, yes, Clive was indeed on a bus in the middle of Scotland Yard. "So he is."

37). Clive's wearing a cheese-suit!

"Is he?" Layton frowned. Everyone turned around yet again to see that he was wearing a cheese suit.

On a bus.

In the middle of Scotland Yard.

For no reason at all.

"Ok then." Emmy smiled, not really knowing what was going on. But to be fair, no one else did.

38). Clive loves Scotch Eggs.

Everyone turned around yet again, expecting to see Clive about to get married to a Scotch Egg on a bus in a cheese costume but he was just eating one.

Also the bus and the cheese costume had disappeared.

Everyone felt scared. And slightly violated.

39). Clive had big ears.

40). They stick out of his hair.

"HAHA! EARS!" Layton shouted at him.

Clive cried on the floor and made a mental note to pin his ears back in ear surgery.

41). He feels at one with nature when he is sat in his tree.

42). This makes him a squirrel.

"HAHA! TREES AND SQUIRRELS!" Luke laughed at him.

Clive blew his nose on a passing policeman's coat.

43). Clive is a secret mermaid!

"HAHA! MERMAIDS!" Flora laughed at him.

Clive sobbed waterfalls. He needed a merman for his mermaid.

44). Clive wears traffic cones on his head and goes fishing and pretends to be a garden gnome.

"HAHA! CONES!" Emmy laughed at him.

Clive rolled around in his tears on the floor.

45). Clive eats apples everyday so he can keep the doctors away.

"HAHA! APPLES!" Barton, who just happened to be passing, laughed at him.

Clive hid in a big pile of tissues and wished his stupid father would come back and beat them up.

46). Clive gets vajazzles!

47). Clive has a glittery foo-foo!

"HAHA! GLITTERY FOO-FOO!" Bill Hawks laughed because he was here for some reason.

Clive jumped out of his tissue shell and started beating upon him.

"Argh! Stop that!" Bill Hawks cried. "This is madness!"

"Madness?" Clive frowned. "THIS. IS. LONDON!"

And he kicked Bill Hawks into a massive pit that was there because I said it was. Maybe it's where the bus went, I don't know.

"Didn't Bill say that in the Lost Future?" Flora frowned.

"Why, yes. I do believe he did. Clive! Why didn't you do that last time Bill said that?"

"I'm not sure." Clive thought as Bill's screams still echoed through the air. "I might have been in my amazing and sexy fortress of death when he said that."

"Probably. We might have been in the flying car."

48). We should all stop bullying Clive about his ears, trees, squirrels, mermaids, cones, apples and his glittery foo-foo.

49). Bullying is wrong.

50). Especially when it's someone as sexy as Clive.

"Clive, what did I say about writing facts about yourself?" Layton shouted.

"That…it's ok?" Clive suggested.

"No!" Layton shouted again.

51). Clive's foundation colour is Vanille Rose.

52). Everyone is secretly happy that Clive just judo-kicked Bill into that conveniently placed hole.

53). I like Clive because of his personality…Not because he looks good.

"Don't lie, Luke. You want his ass on a silver platter." Layton frowned.

54). I may be the only who ships this but I think Clive and Descole would make a lovely couple.

Everyone looked at Flora.

"Flora, you are in time-out. THEY AREN'T EVEN CANON!" Emmy shouted.

55). I also support the fact that Descole helped Clive with his plans.

"Flora! You cannot make facts from the time-out pit!" Layton shouted. "But that is a good theory. Clive-"

But Clive was conveniently pretending to be asleep.

"NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW!" Luke yelled.

"I know." Clive sighed at them, standing up. "You must be pretty annoyed."

"We are." Layton sighed. "I guess we'll just never know."

56). Clive is my favourite character but I still make fun out of him all the time.

"Yeah! Stop it!" Clive shouted at the heavens.

Emmy, Luke and Layton looked at each other.

"You can understand this?" Layton frowned, pointing at the screen.

It read:

55). Akdhdnsosndhx? ﾟﾐﾣ? ﾟﾐﾙ?

Clive's eyes widened.

56). I don't get MaleXClive.

57). I can't imagine Clive being a homosexual at all.

Eyebrows were raised at Clive.

"I am NOT!"

58). Someone explain FloraXClive to me.

59). She's like 14 and he's 23.

60). He may be 'legal' but she sure isn't.

"How much fourth-wall breaking did we just do?"

"Erm…I don't think there's any wall left we broke it that bad."

61). I also hate CliveXKatia.

62). I don't see how it works.

63). Clive frowns upon ponies.

64). Clive also frowns upon purple dinosaurs.

65). Clive frowns upon Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

66). Clive frowns upon lots of things.

67). Clive frowns upon evil Prime Ministers blowing up his parents.

"Poor Bert and Bertricia." Layton sighed.

68). Clive approves of Diet Mountain Dew.

69). Clive wears guyliner.

"He's so pretty!" Flora squealed.

70). Clive wears earplugs at night because he can hear his neighbours fornicating.

71). And peeing.

72). Sometimes at the same time.

73). So they think that he's a pimp, Clive watches porn with the volume UP!

"Clive Dove! You watch porn?!" Emmy shouted.

"No. I go to the kitchen and make myself a sammich. Actually I'm quite hungry now. LUKE! Go to the kitchen and make me a sammich!" Clive commanded.

"Um, yeah…how about no." Luke replied sassily.

Clive's eyes went big and bloodshot.

"DO IT."

Luke's eye filled with tears of fear.

"No?"

"Clive, stop talking to that loser and make your beloved friend a sammich." Emmy instructed.

"I dare you to say that to my face. I'm not the same little boy I used to be." Luke declared, all the fear-tears disappearing.

"You mean this sammich?" Clive asked Emmy, calmly. "AGHHHH!" He shouted shoving the whole sammich into his mouth in one go, razor sharp teeth glinting in the electric light. "CHOMP." And it was gone.

Luke watched in silence.

"…Huh. Who knew Clive could do that?"

"STILL HUNGRY." Clive declared, looking very deranged and slightly murderous.

"Don't eat me plz." Luke pleaded.

"**_Oh, Lukie-Poo~ _**would you mind covering yourself in mayonnaise first?" Clive asked sweetly.

"Hell no, woman!" Luke shouted at him.

— Two Seconds Later -

Luke's legs wiggled in Clive's mouth. The rest of him was being eaten by Clive, whose jaw had somehow unhinged.

"GULP." Clive swallowed. He looked around. "Who's next?"

Luke, however, sat in Clive's stomach with a match illuminating the darkness.

"Who saw this coming?"

73). I am slightly disturbed by what I have just seen.

"Guys! We have reservations for eight!" Flora said, reminding them about dinner. "The dinner is for eight! We cannot be late!"

"She could not, would not, want to wait!" Emmy rhymed.

She received dagger eyes from Flora.

74). Clive is the million dollar man.

75). Clive loves Lady Gaga.

76). He does all the dancing.

77). He's one of the extras in the Bad Romance video.

"My crowning moment. Gaga actually helped design the fortress."

78). Then she is also to blame.

79). WE ARE NOT ARRESTING MOTHER MONSTER.

80). I want to lick someone's face.

"CLIVE FERNANDEZ ALAKAZAM DOVE, DON'T YOU DARE!" Layton yelled.

81). Clive does all his shopping in Primark.

82). Clive looks too much like Luke.

83). How did he know so much about him?

84). I bet he was spying on him through his window.

"CLIVE."

Unfortunately, Clive was pretending to be asleep again.

85). Clive rapes pigeons.

"FLORA BILLY BOB BANGERS REINHOLD, HOW DARE YOU USE THAT INNAPROPRO LANGUAGE!" Clive shouted.

86). Poo.

"EMMY FREDERICK AUGUSTUS DELILAH GLADYS ALTAVA, WHAT IS THIS POO ON THE FLOOR? EAT IT NOW!" Flora shouted pointing at a poo that had randomly appeared.

"It was Barton!" Clive gasped and they all turned and gave Barton accusatory glares that made them look like possessed serial killers.

Barton stood there, terrified, and wondered if he was going to die.

87). Clive is obsessed with hobos.

"HERSHEL MIKE GENE ZONAN HERCULES LAYTON, I AM NOT!"

It was at this point that Clive got a stomach ache.

"LUKE DONNA RON TINKYWINKY TRITON, YOU STOP THAT!"

88). Clive has indigestion.

89). He also has an annoying habit of giving people incorrect full names and it rubs off on everyone else like a rash.

90). Clive does not like limes.

91). Shake Clive well before use.

92). Clive has teamed up with Slenderman and he's going to get you.

93). And marry you.

94). Because he loves you!

95). I used to ship FloraXClive.

96). But now I ship MeXClive.

97). That older ship has sunk.

98). Clive can solve a Rubik's Cube in twelve years.

99). Clive is a secret DJ.

100). Clive has a nose.

"What a perfect list!" Clive declared.

"We've missed dinner." Flora huffed.

"It's ok. I've already eaten." Clive smiled, remembering Luke.

"OI!" Came the voice of Inspector Chelmey. "I've heard that you ruffians are causing trouble in my police station! What do you think you're doing?!"

There were a few seconds of silence. There would've been more but Clive chose that moment to sick up Luke. He gobbed him out on the floor, covered in slime, some of which went on Chelmey's shoes.

"Ew!" He grimaced. "Anyway, I would arrest you for being weird and eating children but I need to go and catch a serial killer or something. Bye."

"But-!" Layton started but Chelmey had gone. "NOOOOOOOO~"

Will Layton ever get to talk to Chelmey? Probably not. They've probably forgotten why they're there anyway.

—FACT 17–

1). Mrs Nuttal  
2). 5  
3). 17  
4). Jesus Fernandez Suso (I can't handle his perfectness)  
5). Rebecca  
6). Mrs Hallam  
7). Emma  
8). 121 BC

If anyone has any other questions that they want to ask me (about the story or me or any random stuff), post it in the reviews and I shall answer in the A/N. Such fun! Also, I need a good drawer or artist! PM me if you're any good! Please? Thank youuu :D

~GeorgiexxxSuarez x


	7. Crow

SUPRISE!

So basically I have been dumped for no reason other than my boyfriend thought he was a shit boyfriend (which was kinda true) but now I'm at my nans because I'm not allowed home because my mum thinks she's going into labour. #NOtFaiR

Also I have realised that I never put disclaimers in. First time for everything!

I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS, SCOTLAND YARD, ANY REFERENCES USED IN THIS STORY EVER, LEVEL 5, ANYONE'S AUNTY GABRIELS, THE PROFESSOR LAYTON FRANCHISE OR MY HOUSE.

(apart from the last one I actually do own that)

* * *

"It's Crow's list!" Emmy sang so everyone knew it was Crow's list.

"Oh no." Luke sighed. "I still have bad memories of him. Like the time he gave me a wedgie because I was rich. Or that time he set fire to my eyebrows because I was rich. And when he killed my Auntie Gabriel because I was rich."

1). Crow killed Auntie Gabriel with a ladder because Luke was rich.

2). I like Crow's hat.

3). It smells like beans.

4). And poverty.

"YAY!" Everyone cried suddenly, making all the poor police officers jump.

5). Crow has been arrested 72 times for murdering Auntie Gabriels.

"How many Auntie Gabriels are there in the world?" Clive asked.

"1207." The professor answered.

6). Crow does not know that we are writing this list about him.

7). Unless he is a psychic.

8). He could be David Wells in disguise.

"I think David Wells is gay though." Flora frowned.

"Oh." The professor scowled. "I was hoping you could marry him, Flora. He could give me all the football scores and I could place bets and become a millionaire."

"I can do that!" Emmy smiled. "Liverpool win 1846292629 : 0 against Man U in three months."

"Yay!"

9). Crow loves it when people tickle his armpits.

10). His stripper name is Cora LaVontas.

11). He isn't a very good stripper so he never has to use that name.

12). Crow hates it when he's described as a burden on society.

13). Crow's mum is called Maria.

14). MARIA IS SEDUCED!

"Professor." Flora frowned at him. "Did you seduce Maria?"

Everyone turned to Layton who, since he wasn't the best actor in the world, was looking very guilty.

15). Crow has a new daddy.

16). His name is Hershel Layton and he is a professor at Gressenheller.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He cried to the ceiling.

"You have to pay childcare." Clive ordered the professor.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

17). When he is older, Crow is going to be Santa.

18). Crow earned a Blue Peter badge when he made the Black Raven dress.

"It is not a dress." Emmy scowled. "It is a robe."

"Which is French for dress." Professor told her.

"We're not French!" She argued.

"I am!" Clive lied. "Je'mapelle Clive Dové et je suis vingt et un ans. J'adore la pizza!"

"What?" The professor scowled.

19). Crow created the show 'Being Liverpool FC' and I love him for it.

20). I am going to marry him for it.

"Professor, you can't marry Crow. He isn't gay. And you're already married."

"Wha-"

"Don't you remember in Vegas?" Clive reminded him. "We got married."

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

21). Crow fancies the vegetable woman who's name has escaped me.

22). I think her name was Marion. Or Marilyn.

23). Crow is behind the horse meat scandal.

"I quite like the taste." The professor smiled. "Add more horse, TESCO."

24). For vegetarian burgers, Crow uses uni-quorn.

Everyone turned to Flora who was nearly weeing with laughter. Even though she said the joke.

They shook their heads in undisguised shame.

25). Crow was told to watch what he eats so he booked tickets to the Grand National.

Everyone turned back to Flora who was crying with laughter. Even though it was her who wrote the joke again.

26). Crow is thankful he never met Flora.

"She has become the Meg of the group." Clive nodded.

27). Shrow is Crow's evil twin.

"Emmy…Shrow isn't real."

"Of course he is, professor! He's Crow's evil counterpart."

28). Crow is chilling with his bitches right now.

29). Unfortunately his bitches are Aunt Taffy and Badger.

30). Sexy times!

"I have bitches." The professor smiled happily.

31). Crow is not a vegetarian.

32). If he was, he would eat meat anyway because he's that BADASS.

"Oh, hellllllllll naw!" Luke shouted. "No one is as badass as me!"

"Lots of people are more badass than you, Luke. You cried about going on a boat at the end of Lost Future."

"To be fair, professa, that boat was the Titanic."

"My dad built the Titanic." Flora smiled dreamily.

"Well he didn't do a very good job, did he?" Clive frowned.

33). Crow can count to potato.

34). It's an extraordinary feat.

35). Crow re-enacts Aladdin with Arianna.

36). He plays Aladdin, Arianna is Jasmine, Badger is the genie, Nabby is the sultan and Aunt Taffy is Jafar. Luke's dad was the tiger and he ran around making 'rawr rawr' noises.

"Aw, hell naw! He's stealing my woman!" Luke shouted.

Flora, unable to control herself, kicked Luke in the face which sent him flying across the room.

"FLORA STEPHANIE ADELE GORGONOPSID REINHOLD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The professor shouted even though last chapter her name was Flora Billy Bob Bangers Reinhold.

Random and unnecessary name changes are just a common occurrence in Layton-Land.

37). Crow is named after a bird.

38). Which is a coincidence because Crow is the Black Raven and the raven, as well all know, is a bird.

39). Crow wrote the poem raven.

"What's a poem raven?"

"YOU KNOW!" Flora laughed. "It's that poem with that random guy who finds a raven and freaks out and possibly dies at the end."

"You mean "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe." The professor rolled his eyes. "You stupid girl, Flora."

"I'm sorry!" Flora wailed.

40). Crow believes Flora is a butter-head.

"Excuse me! Why am I a butter-head?"

"Because its Flora which is a type of butter." Clive frowned, still annoyed over the poem raven.

"I am changing my name to Barbara-Karen!" Barbara-Karen declared.

"Barbara-Karen the poem raven." Luke nodded. "That's a nice name."

"I am NOT a poem raven-"

"We can call her BK the PR for short!" Emmy grinned.

"PK the BR?" The professor frowned because he was hard of hearing from all the puzzle concerts.

"No! It's not Poem Karen the Barbara Raven, it's Barbara-Karen the Poem Raven." Flora/Barbara-Karen the Poem Raven frowned. She thought that if everyone was going to call her that anyway, people had to get it right.

41) Crow loves the poem raven.

42). He wants to marry it in a big castle with everyone watching.

43). He wants to go on honeymoon with it in Aberystwyth.

"Isn't that in Whales though?"

"Yes, professor. It's where your gran lives."

"Ah! Granny Layton!" The professor's eyes filled with happy tears.

44). Crow is the Queen of Primark.

45). Yesterday he stole an egg.

"The rapscallion!" Cried Clive, for he was the Queen of Eggs. "Eggs are officially going to war with Primark!"

46). Crow is going to LOSE.

47). And then he's going to CRY.

48). And I will stab him and poo in the wounds!

"Ew, don't do that!" Luke squealed. "That would be disgusting!"

"I don't care! I am Clive Dove, Queen of Eggs, and I shall do as I please."

49). Crow supports Manchester United.

"EW!" The professor screamed. "Clive! Crow is a Manc, don't touch him with a 10 meter barge pole! You'll get infected!"

50). So much respect has been lost for Crow.

51). I hope Damon Gant gets an army with Manfred con Karma and Eminem and beats him up.

"I understand the other two but why Eminem?"

"Barbara-Karen, these things take time to learn in life." The professor explained. "Basically I was listening to Eminem on my IPuzzle when I wrote that down.

52). If Crow is a Manc, why did he create the show Being Liverpool?

53). Because Being Liverpool sucks and I only watch it because its the only way to see Luis and Suso in their natural habitat.

"Luis Suarez bit someone."

"SHUT UP BARBARA-KAREN! HE DIDN'T BITE HIM, HE WAS JUST GIVING HIM A KISS."

54). Crow covers himself in reggae reggae sauce to attract people down to the black market.

55). They chase him and he leads them all down there.

56). He's very crafty.

57). He's a crafty lekka.

"Cunning." Clive smiled. It was even more cunning than building a whole fake London to hide a fortress that would be used to destroy the real London.

58). Crow once set fire to a granny.

59). He did this because she was not Aunty Gabriel.

60). Crow is married to a whelk.

61). Crow is a boy.

62). CROW WANTS THE D!

"Aghhhhhhh!" Luke cried. "He wants the D!"

An alarm went off and the whole city was evacuated. Apart from the professor, Emmy, Clive, Luke and Barbara-Karen/Flora.

They wanted to finish their list.

63). Crow dips Guinea Pigs in chocolate and eats them.

…Clearly staying behind was the most productive decision.

64). Crow holds midnight raves in the Black Market.

65). One time, Crow fell off a roof when pretending to be the Black Raven and got amnesia and was convinced that he and Aunt Taffy were lovers.

"That happened?!" Emmy gasped. "I thought she was just lying!"

"Nope. I was there and I saw it all. The way they skipped around Misthallery, hand in hand…it was truly vile." Luke grimaced. He left out the part where Aunt Taffy cheated on Crow with Bucky and broke Crow's heart because that was a depressing time and he didn't want to relive it.

66). Crow is a wild beast!

67). He's wearing his angry trousers.

68). Crow can't spell.

69). He loves tic tacs.

70). He eats pizzas all day and smokes cigars.

"Isn't he underage?" The professor scowled. After all, he was the biggest ambassador for stopping underage smoking.

"No. He's actually 33 but just looks young." Luke replied.

71). Crow has lesbian tendencies even thought he's a boy. Man. Thing.

72). Crow is as deep as a puddle.

73). He is no use to society whatsoever.

"Aw, that's not nice." Barbara-Karen frowned.

"Your face isn't nice." Clive shouted back.

Barbara-Karen crawled into the corner and cried.

74). Crow loves cabbage.

75). CROW WAS BORN TO ROCK!

76). He also hates chickens.

"Can everyone stop calling me Barbara-Karen? It's not my name and I don't appreciate it."

Everyone tutted and rolled their eyes. Yet again, Flora was ruining everything.

77). Crow wears wellies and can't swim.

"Was that a double fact?!" The professor exclaimed.

"I do believe it was!" Clive shouted back.

After a few dramatic seconds, they got bored of looking dramatic and looked at the screen to see this written on it:

78). Crow eats children.

"Who on earth put that?!" The professor shouted.

"It was me, professor-"

"Honestly, Flora, that is so obviously not true! I mean really, at least make it seem obvious. What a stupid boy you've been!"

79). Crow wees in the bath.

"See? Like that! Oh, Clive, you are wonderful." The professor smiled.

Clive beamed brightly, his eyes bright like one of those children on those old fashioned birthday cards, the ones with the huge shiny eyes.

80). Crow likes gherkins.

"And, Luke! So lovely." The professor smiled at him, adoringly. "You'll make a wonderful hobo one day."

Luke's chest swelled but then unswelled because he had to do a small thing like breathe.

81). Crow drinks tequila from the bottle and then wets the bed.

"Oh, me. You are the biggest stunner of them all. Such a stunning lekka!"

82). Crow has right wing Nazi tendencies and never smiles.

"Not you, Emmy. I'm suspicious of you because you're not in Curious Village so I think you're a traitor. Or you're going to die. Either way, it's no skin off my nose."

83). CROW WILL STRIP FOR A PACKET OF JELLYBABIES!

"…OK Emmy I forgive you. That fact was forgiveable."

"Thank you, professor."

84). Crow can fart the Nokia phone tune.

85). Crow lives under a hedge.

86). He knows all the words to every song by Nicki Minaj and sings along in public.

87). He also knows all the lyrics to every Grease song.

88). He performs them to attract visitors to the Black Market.

89). It works very well.

At this point, Emmy started dancing about singing "Summer Nights" with Flora singing the Sandy parts.

90). Crow is a wonderful Danny Zuko.

91). Crow owns a pair of leopards stockings with suspenders.

92). Crow eats cat food, gets hyper and climbs the walls.

93). Crow once drew his whole marriage to a footballer on the back of his math book.

94). There should be a re-make of Oliver which has Crow as the starring role of Oliver.

95). Everything would fit and it would be amazing!

96). Crow sold his children to fund his Skittle addiction.

"I've checked him into rehab. Soon, he'll be able to re-cooperate and become a clean street urchin." The professor smiled. He was such a kind individual.

97). Crow watches people whilst they sleep.

98). Crow feels nervous.

99). His favourite sandwich is leek and cucumber.

100). His favourite singer is Adele because she makes music for the ears, not the eyes.

"Well, that took longer than it was meant to." Luke scowled. "We should really be more productive and not procrastinate as much."

"…Psssssssssh!" Everyone laughed at the same time, leaving Luke feeling stinky and disrespected.

"Luke, that is why I like you, you are hilarious!" The professor managed, tears rolling down his face.

"Oh, come on! That wasn't even slightly funny!"

* * *

ALSO! MollyPower2205 has a really good Professor Layton competition. It's very original, I think :) SO CHECK IT OUT-FACE

I'm sorry this took as long as it did. I'm just a really good procrastinator. The only reason this was uploaded today was because I was bored in detention.

Facts 91 & 92 are about the French teacher I was in the detection with. Fact 91 is considerably more true than Fact 92, which is more of an extension of the truth/pisstake.

Fact 93 is, on the other hand, an utterly true fact about me when I married Jesus Fernandez Suso on the back of my maths book.

Next list is…Dimitri Allen! Oh that should be fun, I'm looking forward to that one.

Sorry again about the wait, I'll update sooner next time!

JFT96~GBNF

—GeorgiexxxSuarez-


	8. DimitriaDimitri Allen

Hello, my crafty lekkers! It's been a while but I'm going to keep on going :D

* * *

"It's Dimitri's list!" Clive shouted out. "I can use this as an opportunity to share all the secretive stuff he's confided with me over the years! I'm a wonderful friend!"

"You really aren't." Luke frowned. "That'd be like if I told everyone all the stuff you trusted me with. Like how you once had a pet ant called Maurice which you accidentally ate."

"Luke, no-"

"Or how you got stuck in a tree and a woodpecker started pecking at your trousers."

"Cut it out-"

"Or how you are a One Direction fanboy."

"Stop-"

"Like that time when you cried at Dear John and became an emo for a week from depression."

"Why are you doing this-"

"I remember when I walked in on you licking a poster of Miley Cyrus."

"I'm not having this-"

"Last week, I came home early and I caught you watching-"

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" Layton shouted, trying to protect everyone's innocence that they didn't actually have. "We do not need to go in those sort of details! Lets begin Dimitri's list."

1). Dimitri loves Claire.

2). Along with the Professor and Don Paolo.

3). He started her Internet fanclub.

4). Dimitri's favourite film is Magic Mike.

"That's the film I caught Clive watching!" Luke shouted so everyone in the world heard it.

Clive kicked Luke in the face and stomped on his stomach for his trouble.

5). He has the matching pants.

6). He wears them when he goes down to the discothèque.

"Actually," Flora pointed out, "Discothèque is French for library."

"That's what we meant." Emmy scowled. "God, Flora. You ruin everything."

Flora felt stinky and disrespected.

7). Dimitri sounds like Clark.

8). That can't be a coincidence.

9). Dimitri stole Clark's voice and that's why we never hear from Clark again.

"My father!" Luke wheezed, still on the floor. "Why, oh, why? Why, oh, why? Why, oh, why-"

After about half an hour of this, Clive kicked him again.

"Quieten down. We've had enough of your stupidity for one day."

10). Dimitri can play the trombone.

11). And the guitar.

12). And the violin.

13). And every other instrument ever.

14). All of the background music from Future London is actually Dimitri following you about, playing music in a one-man band situation.

15). He's a crafty lekker.

"I've been meaning to ask you about that." Emmy asked the professor. "What does lekker mean, again?"

"Why," the professor laughed in that charming way he does, "lekker means mouldy African food. I thought you knew that!"

"Well, I Googled it and apparently it means sexy." The colour drained from the professor's face. "So all this time, you've been calling us sexies."

"Oh, God, why?" The professor cried.

16). Dimitri is a crafty sexy.

"NO LUKE DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN!" The professor screeched. "YOUR FATHER WOULD YELL AT ME IF HE COULD STILL SPEAK!"

17). Dimitri has a face tuft.

18). It doesn't qualify as a beard because its so small.

19). And it can't be called any other type of facial hair.

20). So it is a face tuft.

21). A cunning face tuft.

"Isn't that a pip?" Clive smiled.

"No, Clive." Emmy frowned. "It's a face tuft. That's what we just explained. It isn't a pip. It's a face tuft. Why must you hurt me this way?"

"I could not be more sorry." Clive lied.

22). Dimitri has a secret ambition to become a pirate and sail the seven seas with Clive as his wench.

23). Dimitri looks very stylish dressed as Future Layton.

24). He got the colours wrong though.

25). He wore brown and white whilst the professor wears brown and orange.

26). Dimitri is clearly colourblind.

27). Dimitri has 27 followers on Instagram.

"That's about 26 more than you!" Clive taunted Flora.

"ACTUALLY," Flora raged, "I DON'T HAVE ANY FOLLOWERS!"

"That's even worse."

"THEN FORGET I SAID ANYTHING."

But the deed was done so Clive proceeded to taunt Flora about her lack of followers and mock her about how he had 327 followers, most of whom were fangirls and Luke.

28). Dimitri buys pink wafers at Christmas.

29). They're the only thing he eats on Christmas.

30). Apart from one occasion when he accidentally ate his cracker paper hat but that is a mistake most people have made in their life.

31). He sends out brandy snap baskets as presents.

"Christmas with the Allens are such fun." The professor smiled. He remembered the time when Dimitri accidentally ate his hat.

"Hershel, here is your Brandy Snap Basket. I hope it brings you much joy and prosperity. It's about three years out of date though." Dimitri had smiled.

"Thank you. What a thoughtful gift." The professor had lied, with a tip of his hat.

"HERSHEL!" He had cried. "HELP ME-ACK-I'VE EATEN MY PAPER HAT FROM THE-ACK-CRACKER!"

"Hm," the professor had smiled, "this reminds me of a puzzle."

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME!" Dimitri chocked. "I AM CHOKING TO DEATH."

"Now, Dimitri, please be a gentleman. There is always time for a puzzle. In fact, I find that puzzles help clear the mind-"

"AGHHHHHH!"

"Ooooh! Pink wafers! Don't mind if I do. I know a puzzle about pink wafers, Dimitri, would you like to- oh. Where've you gone? Dimitri? Oh there you are. Why are you under the table, you silly beast?"

After that, Dimitri had collapsed on the floor and had to be taken to the emergency unit which made the professor most upset because he never got to explain the answer to the pink wafer puzzle.

"That was a good Christmas."

32). Dimitri is a scientist but not a very good one.

33). He seems to have a habit of exploding things.

34). He is also very gullible.

"You know Flora? If you say 'orange' really slowly, it sounds like gullible." Clive informed her.

"I must try it! O…r…a…n…g…e…"

Clive felt crafty.

35). Dimitri cries whenever he hears the song 'Blow' by Ke$ha because it reminds him of Claire and everyone else he's ever exploded.

36). Not just because it's by Ke$ha.

"Luke, you say that but 'C'mon' has been your ringtone for about three months. Also, I remember it going off in Geography and everyone stared at you and you felt bullied." Emmy reminded him.

(Me and Luke share that feel)

37). Dimitri once became obsessed with printing off pictures of male footballers and imprinting them on time machines.

38). Dimitri is allergic to fruit salad.

39). Dimitri has a lovely bum.

40). Dimitri once owned a Yucca tree called Boris but had to get rid of it because it took over the house and Clive got trapped in it.

"Oh, God! Don't tell them that!" Clive gasped.

41). Dimitri once owned a Yucca tree called Boris but had to get rid of it because it took over the house and Clive never got trapped in it once.

42). Dimitri once took Viagra thinking he was taking his hay-fever tablets.

43). He was alone with Bill in the lab that day.

44). Bill felt molested.

"What was Dimitri doing with Viagra in the first place?" Luke asked.

45). He was planning to slip it in Claire's tea to seduce her.

"Why didn't he just abduct her?"

"Because he didn't want to risk breaking his favourite spotty mug in the fight that would've ensued."

46). Dimitri models all his behaviour on Boris Johnson which may not necessarily be a good thing for Dimitri or Boris.

47). Dimitri is an international rap star called D-Kelly.

48). His real name is Samantha Lemons but he changed it when he was 26.

Luke spat out the tea he was pretending to drink due to withdrawal symptoms.

"Samantha?! That's a girls name!"

49). Dimitri's parents were both confused individuals.

50). Dimitri has so much swag.

51). The club can't even handle him right now.

"O…r…a…n…g…e"

"Are you still doing that?!" Luke raged.

Flora sobbed and let all her feelings out.

"I feel a shitebag and wish I was death. Luke has the kaks. Aren't I lekkerish! I miss Matthew and all my other beasts like Archibald and Ramon. I am horrifyingly mourned and I mourn for my fellow ."

52). Dimitri feels stinky and disrespected.

53). Dimitri has the kaks.

"Oh dear. He's just like you, then, Luke."

Luke felt bullied which was what he deserved after depressing Flora.

54). Dimitri bought his hat from a charity shop.

55). Or a thrift shop as they call them in America.

56). How stylishly cultural.

57). Dimitri likes being up early but doesn't like waking up early.

58). Dimitri wishes he was a good scientist, not one who accidentally kills everyone.

59). Or one that has to work with Bill Hawks.

60). Dimitri is annoyed because he has slow Internet connection that goes off for no reason so he'll be sat there on YouTube and the video will just randomly stop and the Internet doesn't come back and he has to sob in a corner.

61). Dimitri is 80% water, 20% pizza and 100% SWAG.

"That's 200%." The professor frowned.

"He's twice the man you'll ever be." Clive replied.

62). As a child, Dimitri used to accidentally lock himself in the bathroom and cry about it for four hours afterwards.

63). He also used to sit on his dog's head but that's another story.

64). Dimitri doesn't like pasta.

65). He loves bread though.

"You best warn your bread-head father, Luke. He'll probably be eaten by a bread-crazed scientist."

66). Dimitri makes his time machines out of materials he finds in other people's bins.

67). One time he got trapped in a wheelie bin so Bill Hawks pushed him down a hill and he landed in a pond which caused Bill Hawks to wee himself because it was that funny and that's who's running the country.

68). Right now, as we speak.

69). God Save Great Britain.

No one knew what the last two facts had to do with Dimitri but because no.69 had something to do with Great Britain, they all stood up, saluted, sang the national anthem and cried because Britain was so beautiful and they all loved the Queen, the Royal Family, tea, scones, Cash in The Attic, The Prime Minister, Bargain Hunt and whatever foreigners think British People love which 90% of British people don't love at all AND THAT IS AN EXAMPLE OF STEREOTYPING.

70). Dimitri can play Kylie songs on the piano.

71). He has all her dresses and wears them when he goes out on the town.

72). His father was a drag queen which caused him to be a very confused individual as he grew up.

73). Dimitri, the party animal he is, likes to do Madlibs and play the all time favourite party game, Pin The Tail On The Bill Hawks.

74). Only he'd use actual Bill Hawks instead of a picture of Bill Hawks.

75). Dimitri plays Ping-Pong.

76). He's very good at it and can beat anyone except world champions because he hasn't met any yet.

77). Dimitri spends his Monday nights on Claire's Tumblr page and just sits there…refreshing…crying…

Everyone was sat on the floor in tears.

"It's so sad!" Luke wailed. "Poor lonely Dimitri!"

"He loved Claire as much as I!" The professor sobbed.

"Why didn't you just let him have her?" Emmy cried.

"Oh, Dimitri- hey. I saw her first. She's MINE." He replied back, angrily pointing at his chest.

"Was." Clive corrected.

They all looked at each other and burst into tears again.

78). Dimitri sometimes wears wigs and women's clothing and calls himself Dimitria.

"…" everyone stayed silent.

79). Dimitria is forty years old but still gets 20 year olds.

The silence remained.

80). Dimitria is a cougar.

"Oh, Flora." The professor scowled, vehemently. "You are an ignorant cow."

Emmy shook her head, spitefully.

Clive and Luke just tutted, folding their arms.

Flora wailed and threw herself down the stairs.

"Oh dear." Clive said. "We'll have to resurrect her next chapter."

81). Dimitri has met the Professor.

82). Dimitri has met Luke.

83). Dimitri has met Flora.

84). Dimitri has met Clive.

"Oh Emmy, you're the odd one out. I hope you don't feel depressed."

85). Dimitri has two chihuahuas called Tiddles and Lulu.

"Ok you're obviously not, carry on."

86). Dimitri has a leopard-print bikini.

87). He is fabulous.

88). Dimitri suited Layton's hat.

"He wears it better than me." The professor sulked.

89). Dimitri listens to Nyan Cat and cries about his life.

90). Dimitri is a very depressed human being but I think he feels better around people due to his fancy hat.

"Oh why couldn't Flora have gotten herself a fancy hat? Then she wouldn't have been depressed and I wouldn't have failed as a parent." The professor sank to the floor, sobbing.

"We're resurrecting her next chapter, professa!" Like chirped, stood next to him.

"True…but in the meantime, I am making a charity and spreading awareness about Flora!"

_**FLORA 2013**_

91). Dimitri can play 'Pop Goes The Weasel' on a xylophone.

92). He is very musically gifted.

93). Dimitri keeps wild beasts locked in his basement.

94). Dimitri uses curlers to make his hair look as beautiful and stylish as it is.

95). Dimitri hasn't had a bacon barm for twelve years.

96). He wants to marry a McDonalds chicken nugget.

"Once," Clive reminisced, "a boy sent me a bouquet of chicken McNuggets on Valentine's Day."

"That is how you woo a lady."

97). Dimitri's new catchphrase is #yolo.

98). He's so hip.

99). He's been trying to get his graft on with Clive for all these years!

"Oh God, no! NO!" Clive sobbed. "It was him who sent me the bouquet of chicken McNuggets! Why?!"

100). Dimitri goes to Iceland.

* * *

So…yeah. It's been a while. How've you been? I don't know what you said but I hope it's been lovely.

Next is Don Paolo which will be masses of fun XD

Til next time, my crafty lekkers!

GeorgieSuso!x


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